Christine, I am very sorry you are going through this. I have worn those shoes myself, both as a patient and a caregiver for my terminally ill father. Neither was easy but there is no doubt that caregiving is the toughest of all. Between my pain and high levels of narcotics I was quite irrational and delusional at times. Don't let that beat you down, it comes with the territory. Many doctors are reluctant to write hospice orders. In my dad's case he was in Hospice 2 weeks before he died and could have been on it for 6 months. Get on the doctors case to write the order, if he hasn't already. Matt will ultimately be more comfortable, have better quality time and you will get some much needed help and maybe even some respite care. Try to get power of attorney on the bank accounts or they will be tied up in probate (unless they are joint). A living trust (if you own property) is the way to go because a will be end up in probate as well. When my wifes mom died 2 years ago, it took a year before probate closed and she was able to access funds.

Elizabeth Kubler Ross has some great books on dying, death and the subsequent grieving process which helped my a lot when my father was dying. "death, The Final Stage Of Growth" was one. In fact, your grieving process has already started, if for no other reason, you are mourning the relationship you once had.

My father refused any pain pain meds stronger than Tylenol, even though he had Dilaudid and several other high strength pain killers. He wanted to stay in the "now" and was quite lucid until the very end. Of course, this is not always practical with many forms of cancer pain so always remember that the narcotics assimilate into the brain chemistry and try not to take the insults, irrationality and delusional behavior personally. You have to throw out some of the old maps. One day at a time...