Christine, I think about you and Matt more than you will ever know and continue to keep you in my prayers. Just wanted to offer another perspective on Matt wanting his meeting with hospice to be private... I can only imagine the thoughts Matt may be having about hospice which is considered by most to be end of life care. At least in NC one has to be within 90 days of death for hospice to even get involved. IF Matt is struggling with his thoughts and/or beliefs about the last weeks/months of his life, he may have some questions or wishes that he doesn't know if others will understand or support. I'm sure his motives for privacy are not meant in a negative way toward you.

Sometimes people like to put on a brave face for their loved ones and do try to "protect them" by not discussing their fears, wishes, questions about death. This is gonna sound stereotypical but I strongly suspect that many men have a real issue with showing what they perceive as "unmanly" emotions. Like Ann Marie said, they don't want to appear "weak".

Talking about a terminal illness or impending death is very uncomfortable for many people. They don't know what to say or if they should say anything. It's not something we are taught how to handle. Many just walk around the elephant in the living room and pretend it isn't there. Some patients like to live in denial and refuse to believe they are dying (a livelong friend of mine who died of breast cancer with mets to liver, lung and brain was like that - she got madder than hell at me when I implied a month before her death that she was not going to live). Others want to make sure their wishes are honored and respected.

I don't know what kind of conversations you have had with Matt or if he is even willing to engage in that type conversation, but you can let him know that while you dont understand his need for privacy that you respect it, and if you feel emotionally comfortable, you can assure him that you will be there for him without judgement if he wants to talk about his fears, wishes, etc.

Remember, you and Matt are both doing the very best you can with a terrible situation. You are a wonderful caregiver and dont' ever question that. But remember also that you are human and give yourself a break.

Love ya!
D