When Matt�s daughter asks how she can help, you could give her a list of several items, and let her pick what she is comfortable. This way, if she is not too keen on making breakfast, she might be happier doing laundry or taking the dog for a walk, etc. So when anyone asks how they can help, just show them your list and they will be happy they can do something, and know that it will really help.

Being in denial is very hard to let go of. It is difficult to recognize denial when you are in it. We want so much to hold on to even a shred of hope - for any sign of recovery. When a friend of mine died, I couldn�t believe that she would not survive and I was glad to see how thorough her daughter was in checking all the procedures and asking countless questions with the doctors about her mother�s care. Even when my friend � a nurse with extensive medical experience had comfortably accepted that she would soon be taking her relationship with God to the next level, and making her own final arrangements, the daughter was still holding on to hope and countermanding her mother�s wishes with the doctors.

I spent most of the time with my friend, just listening and talking about things we had in common (and hiding my own denial). And when she tearfully expressed her distress at how her daughter was resisting her mother's acceptance, I told her I thought she was just trying to make sure the doctors did everything they could to help her survive and had not forgotten anything and in her own way this was how she was expressing her love. After many conversations with doctors, one of them said to the daughter that - "Sometimes it is kinder to just let them go." That of course released a flood of tears and she ran out. But later, she began to accept and take care of all her Mother�s wishes and final arrangements. Everything went a lot smoother after that and my friend�s wishes were followed to the letter. She donated her body to Science � her family and many friends had a �celebration of life reunion� a few months later when it was Spring. Everyone came from near and far to gather and share the many experiences and remembrances. It was so very comforting to all of us.

Christine, I hope that you can find comfort for yourself and the help that you need. I�m sure that hospice will have some good helpful thoughts to share with you in the pre-bereavement counseling that you mentioned. Do keep us updated.