Please try to remember what Matt was like before OC and let those memories be the ones that define your relationship. He isn't the man with whom you fell in love. He hasn't been the same man since he was diagnosed. Heck, J isn't the same person after his ordeal and he turned up as misdiagnosed. I'll wager that every step on Matt's journey has had some impact on his emotions and has caused a negative psychological reaction.

If you add the psychological turmoil to the physical spread of the disease and the effects of treatment and pain meds, it is enough to turn the man you love into an acquaintance who you really don't like very much...or worse, an antagonist who is about as connected to you as a surly stranger. It's not fun. I can imagine how much of a challenge it must be and I'm terribly sorry you are having to experience it. On top of everything else, he's a man. They are offended by their own weakness sometimes. They can't bear for the people who matter most to them to see them as weak or needy.


My sister was married 24 years before her husband lost his 4 year fight with lung cancer. They were so much in love and were considered a match made in heaven. Then, the cancer and the treatment and pain meds took much of it away. He was awful to her. It broke my heart to hear her repeat what he said to her and to hear how he treated her. But, we all understood what was happening. He was being taken away from her and us. We couldn't judge him. He wasn't the same man anymore. Cancer had taken him away quite a while before his actual death.

It is odd to mourn a loss before it occurs. My father-in-law used to call our house several times a day. When the hallucinations and odd behavior from the cancer mets and pain meds became too much, my mother-in-law took the phone away. I immediately noticed. It was then, with him becoming out of touch with us, that I started to mourn losing him.

Cancer always takes them before we are ready to let them go. Often, cancer takes them before their body is ready to let them go, as well.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and Matt. I'm glad you have decided to get the dog. It will bring you lots of joy, a nice diversion, and the loving loyalty that you need right now.

xoxox
Sandy