2 steps forward 1 back.

He was too queasy to do the last 2 boxes last night. I let it go. A counselor friend who knows him told me that if he doesn't want to get well, let him get sick again and end up in the ER. So I went in this morning and he was fighting doing his feeding so I said, I am not going to keep doing all this for you, you need to step up to the plate. Oh my, he has a voice today as he got quite loud with me. I told him to stop acting like a child. He finished radiation 2 weeks ago and those 2 weeks would have been the worst of your life. So he says, if I do all this (feeding and water), you are telling me I will get well enough to do it myself? after protesting how sick he is and just can't. I said well, this isn't the path I would take but you are too deep in now and yes, you have to do this. I did fill the syringes and he did them more quickly this time. The counselor said this is how he operates as she has counseled him, he's controlling you by making this a difficult process. She is right. I'm such a nice person and I was making it too easy on him. Yes, he was pretty sick but that's because he refused to do the feeding tube for over a week. That's not my fault. It's like he had a death wish in some ways. I told him that I will be gone this afternoon and tomorrow and will not be available to help with those feedings so he's going to have to take this on himself.

Hope no one thinks I'm harsh but I had to do some tough love or this could go on for months and months with an invalid who has chosen to be an invalid at this point. I know he must be feeling better as this is the old self when it comes to being sick...the worst anyone has ever been sick. Remember his pain never was beyond a 3-4 for him...he was fortunate. It was at a 2 last week. He refuses to use any pain meds and fights using the nausea meds.

He wants to know how to get rid of the sore throat....I told him time but not sure if there is another way.