Wow!
I must repeat myself; you guys are amazing. So much everyone has been through yet even the ones that are out of treatment still come here to offer advice and comfort- truly an inspiration, so very grateful I found you.

Nothing has changed in Doug, but every time I open this site I get a little more courage to stand up for me!

I tried talking to him, at first gently and then with tears.
He sees nothing the way I do, it seems we are on entirely different planets.
I tell him my fears and he tells me not to worry about it- do what I want, do what I think is best.
There was no mention at all of him trying to change his behavior patterns, just mine.

For so long I thought it was just the 'chemo brain' talking, but more and more I realize it really is just him. He choose how he was going to deal with awful disease and there is nothing I can do to make him change.
He says things like he feels sorry for me having to be stuck in this life, for having a half a man and not a husband , but he seems content to keep the situation like it is.

I am desperately trying to accept our 'new reality' and you would think after all this time it would be easier.
Not so.
He is with me, yet I feel like he is gone. It's a crushing weight on my chest every time I think about what we had, what we've lost.
Without Doug taking any steps to make a new different kind of us, it's like mourning his death over and over.
And the GUILT, oh such awful guilt- but I am learning that is time for me to over come.

I've taken my second step in trying to recover a part of me, the first was joining this site.

I called my mom up and asked her to go play bingo with me tomorrow night. Yep just her and I, no sitter with Doug as he has once again refused.
It will be different for me, but I'm going to try and have some fun, and not hang onto my cell like it was a lifeline.

I have even made a decision, that when Doug has Pacemaker surgery 12/27 I will not hover night and day, but for once let Doug and the hospital staff deal with it. ( I've never left his bedside before)

I won't lie; there is still much heartache and oh so many tears, but thanks to all of you and OCF site I am learning to take one step at a time.