Cheryl, I read your post yesterday morning before leaving for work. I have thought about you all day and night. I have only gone through a fraction of what you are dealing with, but I remember those raw & desperate feelings.

I've been trying to think about what might be helpful - one thing that jumped out at me when I reread your words, " I miss life, is that a horrible thing to say? It feels it, and the guilt gets to me". NO, it's not a horrible thing to say, it's normal. You are expecting too much of yourself...

At a time before the treatment side effects took a toll on my husband, we were trying to cope with the dx and the unknown, and I was trying not to cry, stay positive, etc. It felt false to me. I read in a cancer publication that sharing these feelings with the patient is sometimes a good thing. That gave me the permission I needed to open up to my husband. We had a long cry together and I actually felt better. I'm not saying this should be your approach, but holding in these normal feelings can make it more difficult to cope.

Regarding support from others, I was (and still am) bitterly disappointed by the reaction of my two adult stepdaughters. They did not help and were even distant. I don't want to take up this post describing what happened, but want you to know that you are not alone in having others disappoint you. I did have others who helped. I want to mention that the best thing for me was taking a walk with someone. Somehow it was more natural to talk while walking, instead of sitting down for a big heart-to-heart, and it got me out of the house for a short time.

Please keep in touch and let us know if any of these posts point you in a helpful direction. I agree with Christine, it seems that your husband is not being fair to you and that pattern has been established.

Lottie