Hi... sorry life has taken me away for a few days - normally I drop in daily but ...dare I say st.nick has kidnapped me and made me a slave to the mall - hello Christmas shopping!!! ... Lord save me - anyway I wanted to welcome you Cheryl (I'm another Cheryl and there are a few more here).
I watched one of my good friend slowly fade away from cancer a year ago. The one thing I think that made it easier for her family was having so many people around her. I wish that for you.
Your husband - it sounds to me - is very angry, clearly resentful, and proud. Before all this began I gather owning his own company made him feel fulfilled, and successful and confident. For a lot of men - to them - this is where their value is.
I know there is a lot of baggage there - and the guilt must be overwhelming but you have to stop. Taking this in you are only harming yourself. Firstly you are still grieving what you have lost - your husband too. But by holding onto that nothing will ever change. The reality is - sadly that life is gone and what has come to exist in its place is devastating and harmful. The first step to getting past this is acceptance. This acceptance will allow you to do one thing that you haven't up until now - which is step back and not personalize this. '( I know 1 hard to do what you are living it day to day - but for your own self preservation you have to)
When I was first married to my husband (he's very successful and has his moments of definite selfishness) - I would allow his mood and behavior to affect me in such a way that I felt guilty and believed I was at fault. I guess with maturity and over time I grew to accept that his mood and feelings were exactly that - HIS - and normally my behavior had no bearing on them - although my reaction to them could. I stopped feeling guilty - grew a back bone and told him... I'm not your whipping boy and if you are worried or scared or mourning or upset - I will listen and I will talk and do what I can to help but I am NOT going to be an emotional punching bag.
I say this because your husband is clearly - as I said - angry and resentful, resentful of all he has lost, of you and the fact that you are well and can live your life 'normally' if you choose, resentful of how he is forced to live. And he's clearly taking it out on you.
Accepting what has happened and the grieving the loss of your former life is natural but at some point you have to shake it off and move past it or you will self destruct.
I know this all sounds harsh but your husband is a grown man and yes life has truly dealt him a cruel hand but when faced with this people tend to do one of two things - close up and step away - or grow together in support and strength. I see from your posting you wanted the latter. He did the former.
You can't really change this - for him it has to be something he will change from within. He may or he may not. BUT you can change your reaction.
You need to start living your life. You need to tell him you love him, have done everything you can and will continue to do so to support him but if he's not going to help himself then you are limited.
I suggest do take the time to go out for a bit. Spend an hour or two doing the things you love. Even if it's just an hour a day to take a yoga class (to make a friend or two) go to a gym or even join a support group. He is an adult, and he will - likely being as stubborn as he sounds - continue to do the things he's going to do. If falling twice hasn't taught him anything then there is nothing you can do to change that - accept it. He makes his own decisions - I'm not saying abandon him or anything and do be mindful of the time you are gone or try and put a safeguard in place ( a neighbor to come knock on the door to borrow milk? While your gone to make sure he's ok) but do take the time. This will freshen you and lighten your mood. It will feed your soul and banish some of the toxicity and this way his mood may change with yours - it may not but at least you will have done for yourself - and you need this. It's not being selfish - it's self preservation. I used to be a nurse and one of the things that's important since it can be a very stressful job, is making sure that day to day you enjoy what you are doing. Once you stop, then you need to change jobs because staying and being miserable day to day can be as detrimental to you as it can be to you patients. It's the same premise here.
You have to learn to get back some of your joy. Your change in behavior - going out for an hour a day - will send him a message - just make it clear to him what message it is. (Sometimes people need it spelled out) not that you are abandoning him and moving on, but rather - he's a grown and independent man (as he is so clearly trying to say) and you trust that he will be okay while you're gone and he can call if he needs you.
This may make him feel better about his situation - you're not hovering worriedly - and you may even bring something interesting and different home to talk about.
Hugs and we are here to support you.