Same for caregivers Cheryl. I totally "get" your feelings as I also have days when I just can't face the site.

Alex is moving towards that place where he just wants to forget the last 12 months. The 3 monthly "group hug" with the docs are stressful for him as it forces it all back into his consciousness. I have to be very careful not to raise issues that upset his emotional recovery (my tongue is red raw from biting it).

I am still here because I have the advantage of a partner who has attempted to elucidate his feelings about everything and I hope I can share those insights with others when they need it. We are also world experts on cisplatin, have experienced induction chemo which is a little on the less trodden path and struggle along with many others with weight, nutrition and PEG issues. I believe our experiences can help others when they come up.

I also seek out the inspiring and entertaining posts. Yesterday I shared the self removal of PEG stories with Alex and we both had a giggle although Alex didn't appreciate it quite as much as I did (I forgot he is a bit squeamish with medical procedures and certain bodily functions).