Hi Nelie -

Gosh girl, you have been through the ringer. I can't imagine going through both HNC PLUS Breast cancer. Please hang in there. You can only control your own actions - not hubby's. You are right to set your boundaries and remember to respect any boundaries hubby might set as well. It takes a tremendous amount of respect and trust to get through any day of marriage when things are 'normal' -- add cancer to the mix and well, it's just down right difficult.

As a caregiver, I would like to say that the emotions I have had to deal with during the past year have scared me to death. My hubby, Kenny, and I have been married nearly 28 years and he is absolutely my best friend - so when I found myself angry and hostle about his cancer, it was terrifying.

Here's the honest truth -- cancer changes people.

It changes the person with the disease and it changes everyone that loves you. From day one I told Kenny that HE did not have cancer -- WE have cancer. At the time, I don't think he got what I was trying to say - but today I know he get's it.

I live day to day wondering if I am a wife or a widow. The thought of losing the love of my life, my partner, my very best friend was the most frightening thing I have ever had to face and it is natural to want to run away from that thought.

While caregivers do not have the physical pain of the cancer and treatments, we do have the emotional and mental anguish of watching our loved ones go through hell. Most of us want to protect our loved ones and just want to make things better. Add to this the stress of managing health care for something as intense as cancer, plus keeping the household running and constantly communicating with family and friends about Kenny's health, well ... it sometimes is more than I think I can handle. But .. taking things one day at a time - literally - helps. And it all works out.

Gary has some excellent points and putting things into the AA culture is a super way of tackling the feelings.

Don't worry about the world coming to an end tomorrow - it's already tomorrow in Australia!

Hang in there.
Carol