Well, this seems as good a place to put this as any. When I was diagnosed (almost a year ago) one of the things I kept saying to myself that helped save my sanity was that if it had to happen, it happened at a time in my life when I had wonderful loving people around me. And the person I was most grateful for was my husband.

This was a marriage where we had found each other late in life (5 and 1/2 years ago), after both having other fialed marriages. We rarely had a fight and where he was just a sweetie most days. And all through my treatment, for the most part, he was very supportive. I say for the most part because there were a couple of really NOT supportive moments and they were disturbingly not supportive (not just "honey I'm too busy to take you to raidaiton today" but the sort of thing were you think the person who had your best interests in mind is actually sabotaging them at a time when you're extrememly vilnerable). Still, cancer is a stressor (espcailly this one) and I had breast cancer as well and complications from th breast surgery on top of that.

Anyway, shortly (and I mean shortly like 2 weeks) after the end of my treatment, when I was still extremely sick from raidation adn just barely able to talk again, my husband started getting really angry and sicontent and breaking promises he had made about when he'd be around to acer for me and a bunch of other things. We started couples counsleing and a LOT of resentment spilled out from him about how I hadn't been "tkaing care of his needs" while I was at my sickest. Well-no more comment there. Those of you who have been through this know its hard to take care of your own needs through this stuff.

So the couples counseling goes on and he's not satisfied its going anywhere fast enough and wants to switch counselors--so we do but that kind of means backing up and starting over again. I that backing-up place, my beloved theatenes divorce. And it really seemed like a threat. Mentioned, then apologized for and always mentioned when when he was angry. We finally ( I thought) worked out in counseling that he ahd tuend a corner and was willing to really work on things. This was two months ago--Thanksgiving comes and goes and so does Christmas and then out of the blue, after acting like everyhting was wonderful while my parents was here, he turns on the "I want a divorce" stuff again.

To make a long story short, it was because he was hurt and angry about very specific things. VERY SOLVABLE specific things. But this time he's decided to move out. And without even a warning! We went to counsleing, he promised to play fair, and then yesterday, I take a nap and hwen I wake up he's gone. Whcih I acutlaly thought nothing of--assumed he's taken a walk or something. It took another couple of hours to find the note he' left on my computer.

I'm crushed. I'm barely barely back to "normal" (in fact I'm fighting a relaly nasty thrush bloom and today is the firts day where talking asn't been painful in quite a while)-assumoing nomrakl oincludes not being able to swallow. I have this Russian Roulette (only worse odds) of whether I'll get a recurrence in the next year, and now I am dealing with this. Wihtout making a list, I'be gone through some other pretty serious losses in my life before this too adn I just feel like there is a limit to resilience.

He was what I wanted to live for and why I fought so hard.

I have moments of wishing I just hadn't bothered.