Nelie,
Let me explain something to you about lawyers (I have divorced twice). It is an "adversarial justice" system. They make their money insuring that you are both good and pissed off at each other - no matter how civil and well intentioned things start out. They especially love the "discovery" phase (to discover how much THEY can plunder) and the 4 way meetings over stuff at $250 to $500 and hour -portal to portal (i.e. make sure you get lawyers close by -if it comes to that). Most states have community property laws so lawyers are of minimal use anyway (try a paralegal or one lawyer if this suits you). Custody of children, spousal support and vast real estate holdings being another matter.

An interesting contrast between criminal court and family court is that in criminal courts "bad" people are on their best behaviour while in family court "good" people are on their worst.

Not unlike your situation, my wife spoke with an attorney when I was bottoming out in post Tx and I was disappointed and very offended by that and it took a LONG time to get get past it and redevelop bonds of trust.

There is a fine line between ultimatums and healthy boundaries - only you can decide. It is important though to "respond" rather than "react" and also to put yourself in the shoes and mental state of the other person if at all possible. Maybe you should go to a caregivers support group to hear their side of it - you may gain more insight and empathy for your husbands situation. I can tell you also that men don't do well with helplessness which is the cornerstone of caring for a cancer patient. We are impotent to protect our spouse -it is extrememly demoralizing. Men typically react by "going into our cave" (John Gray) or closing down (as you put it). We are masters of finding solution and when we can't, or if it is impossible, it drives us crazy. We spend much processing it (or attempting to). Then we go into into guilt that we haven't done enough (and America is a "guilt" based culture to start out with -contrasted with "shame" based Asian cultures).

Why doesn't he want to go back to counseling? Does he not like the couselor? Does he feel ganged up on? Are his feelings really being heard? Good couselors are hard to find and both of you should participate in the selection and pre counseling interview. There should also be an agenda of what goals you want to achieve in counseling. Baring your soul to a stranger is not the easist thing. We are all flawed -some deal with it better than others. Maybe the counselor could enlighten him on the benefits of a caregivers support group, or maybe find a smaller, more intimate group with a private counselor. At this point a third party suggestion may be more effective.

I have had bad experiences with counselors and fired a few in past years. They should NEVER offer direct advice, only choices and consequences. Pitting one of you against the other is another counselor "sin" right up there with divorce lawyers.

Another thing that I learned in counseling training, actually in a boundaries workshop, is that at times, "geographical separation" is necessary (and a healthy boundary in itself). Some times you just need some space to reflect on things and realign perspective - not necessarily to plot the divorce!

I am not trying to give you any advice - just things to ponder. I have been an AA member now for almost 11 years and we have a saying "think think think" (before you speak or do). It works well for me if I practice it.