Hi Mandi,
no support group is foolproof and they are full of humans trying to do the best they can and be helpful, much like this group. What gives us a source of strength and a connection to our higher power is the power of the community in the group. You will find that at Alanon. You may find that one person or persons that God will speak to you through them on what to do.

In the counseling and boudaries classes I have taken, geographical distance is oftentimes required to resolve these kinds of severe problems.

Paul O., in the Big Book, stated that "..your level of serenity is inversely proportional to your level of expectations".

For your children to suggest staying at a motel is a very powerful thing. Heed them. Children often see things far more clearly than we adults. They are far less jaded and don't rationalize things the way that we do.

The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome. That is applicable to both of you.

You may wish to start your journey with the Serenity Prayer:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."

This means that you can't change your husband and all you can change is yourself.

When you go to Alanon remember that you want to look for the similarities, not the differences, in the stories you hear. Do not take other peoples inventory. You are going there for you, not them.

AT this point in time you may have to "let go and let God"...