Dear all,

As you know, I've been fighting Dennis and his drinking since diagnosis. Instead of things getting better, they have continued to get worse. Well, I'm still trying to figure out my legal rights when it comes to getting him help, but today I thought all of this emotional overload would end. There I go thinking again.

I called his doctor and had a copy of his PET scan results taken on Friday faxed to the house. Imagine my celebration when everything came back clean!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO CANCER!!! This from a man drinking close to a case of beer a day and smoking two to three packs of cigarettes also.

I ran around humming, cleaning the house (lord knows it needed it) and planned a nice dinner. When Dennis came in, I was napping. I didn't sleep at all last night, because the results were laying on my mind. Anyway, I follow him to the garage once I wake up, and after getting the boys busy with chores for a few minutes, asked him, "If there was any news I could give you right now that would give you the strength to stop getting drunk daily, what would it be?" He said, "I don't know". I gave him the report, and waited on pins and needles while he read it. When done, he casually tossed it on his work bench, looked and me and repeated, "I don't know."

My whole world collapsed. How in the hell can somebody go through the stuff that he has, and still not be positive over a negative report??????????? I'm so mad....and hurt.....and depressed.........and MAD right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I fumed, and to piss me off further, began to cry. He looked at me like I was from another planet! He asked me what I wanted him to do! After explaining for the millionth time that all I want is a normal life where he doesn't drink himself into oblivion every night, I was met by the same old face. One that says, ok you've said your piece, now leave me alone, or I'll make life hell.

I came in the house crying. My boys wanted to know what was going on, and I told them to ask their father. They both looked at me as to say "yeah, right!" and walked away. Later, Coley wanted to know if we could spend the night at a motel, because he was expecting a blow-out.

I'm so tired guys. I've been with this man for 16 years. We've been separated twice over the drinking, but the last one really turned him around until the dx of cancer. Since then, it is a constant pity-party. One I was never allowed to wallow in, or I was called "weak.....neurotic....etc".

I'm so washed up with this. What would you do?

I told him that there were people on this site who would gladly give up an arm, leg, lung, kidney.........anything!....just to get the results that he has. It washed over him like I had said nothing.

I think of Packer at a time like this. Bless him, he has been through so much more, but always stays upbeat and optomistic. I just want to pound the shit out of my husband!!!!!!!!!

Mandi