Hi Bhavna,

It's normal for you to feel scared and worried given everything you and OV have been dealing with. It is also very important for you to take care of yourself so that you can continue to help him. That includes things like recognizing when you need to pull back, getting rest, and seeking the advice and support of others.

The anger that you are describing from OV is also normal. Years ago Elizabeth Kubla Ross wrote an amazing book on death and dying where she described the 5 stages of grief. Anger is right up there, as well as shock, denial, bargaining (if this cancer goes away then I promise to...)before we can reach a state of acceptance.

It's perfectly normal for him to feel the way he does, but it does need to be addressed with his medical team. Also he is still having difficulty speaking then his actions are how he is exressing his feelings and pain at this point. I'm not saying it's a good thing, but it's normal under the circumstances. People often take out their frustration on the person they feel closest too and it sounds like you are getting the brunt of it. My advice is that you not take anything personally but that you also not become an emotional punching bag for his anger. It's a very fine line but it's behavior that needs to be called or it will get worse.

You mentioned your parents, does OV have family that can help you both? Is he on any medication that would help level off those mood swings? Most important - does the medical team know how badly he is feeling? They have seen all of this before but they cannot help OV if they don't know what is really going on. Is the home care nurse still coming and can you call her to discuss these issues?

The reason I am concerned about what the medical team knows is because he will actually feel worse during chemo and radiation. Build a good foundation of communication with them from the beginning. It is the best thing you can do for OV. If he doesn't want the doctors to know then you call them privately and tell them the truth. Sometimes in home care we arrange "family meetings" where everyone gets in the same room and talks about what is going on. It's another way of getting feelings expressed with neutral parties facilitating the conversation.

I agree with David that it would be good for OV to get on the forum as a way of expressing his feelings. People here have dealt with all kinds of issues and it might give him a connection to others who have gone through this. That's good advice about reading selected posts to OV to see if he relates to it. Maybe he could also explore the links on the home page of the website, there's tons of information and resources there.

Of course you can't pretend every day, that's only a temporary fix at best. We all go through a period in the beginning where we try to be all things to our partner. I think it's a way of coping with the shock of getting the diagnosis. We want to be the shield that protects them and makes it all beter. After awhile you realize that you can't do all that - it's exhausting and unrealistic.

There are also some things that we just can't fix without the help of others and the anger cycle that OV is having is one of those. Please discuss these issues with his medical team and see what they recommend.

I'm concerned about the new lump on his jaw line, has the doctor taken a look at that and done any testing to see what it is? Anything like that needs to be checked out immediately. Don't panic about it, there are other things that can cause lumps but you need to have a doctor diagnose it. Did OV start the radiation and chemo today? How about speech therapy to deal with the swallowing and speech issues?

No one ever expects to be dealing with cancer at any age, let alone at 25. You obviously love OV very much and you have been a big part of each other's lives since you were children. Use that connection to let him know that you still love him and support him, and that you want him to work with you - and the medical team - to help himself. You are entering a period of treatment where it will get worse. Please don't try to do this alone. Use your family, friends, doctors, nurses and anyone who looks remotely interested to help both of you get through this. If OV is not able to express what he is feeling right now then you talk to a counselor about your feelings. Do whatever you need to do to stay within the best perspective you can maintain.

Jack and I wish you and OV luck and please call someone on the medical team to let them know what is going on. Let us know how you make out.

Regards JoAnne