Hello everyone, I finally got a chance to write another posting. Well for my boyfriend, everyday has been difficult. As a caretaker, watching him in pain and suffering has really caused me to get more depressed. Even though my attitude around him always seems great, there are days when I just can't pretend - and neither can he.

After his surgery, he came home feeling depressed. That was one issue that I thought we could work on together, but then one morning at 2:00 a.m., he woke me up to tell me that his stiches got undone when he coughed. This was a major setback, because if this didn't heal quickly, he couldn't start his radiation and chemo. We had the homecare nurses coming in and helping with that. It is amazing how much you can learn just from watching, and I am glad that I could learn things just incase he needed help with something. After a couple of weeks of healing, my boyfriend was scheduled to start his radiation and chemo on December 11, 2006 (that was a big delay) - but this would mean that his wound would have to heal first. Well in preparation for chemo and radiaition, he had to get his wisdome teeth removed, so this had to heal as well before treatment. There is a lot of healing to be done, and because of this he didn't start his treatment earlier. That worried me a lot, and now, a couple days before starting treatment, he found a new lump along his jaw bone. Oh God only knows how much I cried that day when he showed me. Through this whole process I was strong, but when he showed me, I just felt like "why". I don't even know what it is, but after everything, now you just have to be cautious and careful to check out everything.

I know you have all had your struggles, but at this point I just wonder if it is at all possible if he could survive this. He is my best friend, and I have known him since we were 6, to see him change over a short period of time, is so sad. I just keep praying for a miracle, I do believe in God and in miracles, I keep hoping that he can survive this and live his life happy and healthy.

I was staying at his house to help take care of him, I could be there everyday for him because I had time off of work. But I found with being around him all the time, he would take out all his frustration and anger on me. I was really understanding to this, trying to not take it personally, but sometimes it did hurt to hear him get so angry. Also, he would have mood swings and tantrums - anyone have this? He doesn't get a lot of sleep, which is why I can understand him being cranky. But the tantrums were so difficult to bear, he would throw things and make so much noise. I would barely get sleep, and so I had to come back to my parents house to ensure that I got plenty of rest when I got back to work. Like there were times that I would sleeping, and he would be so angry from his sleep, that he would wake up and bang on things or throw things and he would blame it on me. But then the next day I would ask him, and he would just tell me that it wasn't my fault, that he for some reason feels very irritated. Anyone experience this?

His dietition put him on 4 cans of his feed, but he himself increased it to 8 because he is so hungry and he wants to gain his weight back. He has lost 50 pounds, we weigh about the same now.

I know this isn't going to help him, but I am so scared, worried and nervous for him. Sometimes I wish this was all a bad dream, and we could be happy together. I pray and pray everyday, I don't want him to suffer anymore. I can't even keep my concentration on anything, all I pray is for his pain to go away. I never knew anyone with cancer, who knew that the closest person to me would have to go through it.

I hope all of you are doing well, thanks for all your advice. My good wishes are with you all, God bless!