Hi OV and welcome to the forum.

When my husband was diagnosed I couldn't make sense of any of this, it just seemed unfair. It's like being swept overboard into a strong current that keeps carrying you along and you can't get out of.

There's a long, hard road ahead for both of you but people do recover from this cancer. No it won't be the same as before but you find ways to adjust when your life is on the line. Your love and support for each other will be critical. In the beginning it's too much to take in all at once and you need to concentrate on just the immediate next step. The response to treatment is highly individual and you have to see how he does over time. No one can really tell you at this point. Speech therapy will help with both speech and swallowing problems so that's something to ask about.

Asking about his looks is normal and reassure him that everyone looks like crap after surgery. He will see himself in a mirror at some point and probably get upset. There's swelling, irritation, incision lines etc. and it takes several months for the tissue to calm down and get back to a new normal state. I remember thinking that Jack looked like Fankenstein with all the staples and swelling, but what he needed to hear from me was that I didn't care about that because I loved him and we were going to do this together.

Right now your boy friend needs to get his strength back from the surgery, and learn to use the feeding tube. It's really important to maintain his hydration and nutrition as that will help decrease the side effects of the radiation and chemotherapy that will follow. Also it's a good time to organize your friends and family on helping you with transportation to and from treatments, shopping etc. People will want to do something but won't know exactly what so you need to assign them to things that will be useful to you.

Many patients and caregivers experience depression and anxiety and PLEASE don't be afraid to ask for medication and counseling if you need it. This is a lot to adjust to at any age. Have you seen the site map on the home page yet? It has great information and links to other resources.

My best wishes for you both and keep posting. It helps to know you are not alone.

Regards JoAnne


JoAnne - Caregiver to husband, cancer rt. tonsil, mets to soft palate, BOT, 7 lymph nodes - T3N2BM0, stage 4. Robotic assisted surgery, radical neck dissection 2/06; 30 IMTX treatments and 4 cycles of cisplatin completed June 06.