Stephany,
It is good to hear from you. I know all about this raining and pouring thing literally and figuratively.

Last night, for example, I was just going to scream. It was 9pm and I was putting the kids to bed (they were bickering with each other), the doorbell rang (it was the delivery guy with Harry's meds) and the dogs were barking and Harry heard all of this in his half sleep state.

I am yelling at the kids, answering the door, and trying to stop my husband from dragging his IV pole down the stairs because he thinks he needs to find out what is happening. He swore that he heard my son call him.

At that moment, I thought that he was going to fall down the stairs (I was still yelling at the kids, of course) and I was ready to pull my hair out.

Yesterday, I saw my husband cry for the first time and I realized that we are all so emotionally taxed in this house. It takes everything I have to try to keep everything under control. But there is absolutly no normalcy in this house either.

I don't know if I mentioned this before but we have 5 dogs and 3 cats and I am about to throw them all out. It is really difficult because 2 of the dogs are ancient and it is time to let them go and Harry just won't. I am begging because the last thing I can deal with at this time is to get up in the morning and find a dead dog.

I am still sick as a dog. My head hurts constantly and my nose runs whenever it feels like it. I am the masked bandit in my house and I have to disinfect everything. At any other time in my former life, when things got real hectic, I would ask what else could possibly happen but I dare not ask that now as I am already painfully aware of the answer.

Harry told me yesterday that he wished he had never married me because he feels like he has ruined my life. He went on and on about how he has brought all of this on us (which I think you and I both know is not true) and I called his best friend and begged him to talk to Harry. I am concerned that, even with the antidepressant he is taking, he might just try to end this all. It is something we have struggled with for a couple of years now, although I always thought that he would just leave me.

Now I am concerned that he is speaking about death and I am frightened. I have talked to the social worker and I try to always keep things positive even when I am not feeling that way. But he is one of these people who never wanted to be a burden on anyone and whenever he thought that was what he had become his answer was to remove himself from their lives.

I never leave him alone when I can avoid it. I just hope that he can hold on. He doesn't think that he can beat this thing. He is convinced that it is going to kill him and sometimes it is frustrating.

He is a strong person most of the time, but he is suffering and I have no idea what to do to help.

I hope that your move and new job go well. It would be nice for something to go right in the middle of all the wrong.

I think of you all the time and I hope that you are doing ok. Take care of yourself and drop a line when you can. It was good to hear from you.

Love,
Cindy