Carol, Karen, Marica and Danny Boy, and CIndy,

Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers....Today was an awful day for my mom..With pain and anxiety....But I took all of your advice and told her it was ok to let go..Thank you so much for that advice..I actually wrote her a note because I could not say the words without hysterically crying..I am actually meeting with the hospice nurse tomorrow morning at 9 because she ahs requested to talk to me becuase she said my mom doesnt have long..weeks if that....My mom requested that my dad, sister and i go the mortuary to pick out a plot..I find this pretty strange since she is alive, but it is her request..So I have all that to deal with tomorrow...It is all moving so fast..But I had a good day with my mom helping her, doing all the laundry, cleanign the house, and sitting next to her talking to her, rubbing lotion on her, Taking her to the bathroom, changing her and the sheets, and administering medication....This is so hard. I cant imagine anything worse...THan to see aloved one suffer..She is taking ativan for the anxiety which is helping..She is home with hospice and they come, but not often enough....But they are available by phone, which I call everyday :-) and they really help me.....My dad is there all the time helping as well....I just wish I could take the pain away and fear away....

I have an amazing thing to share with everyone....I had a dream last night that my right leg was being amputated from the knee down...Actually a nightmare..and when I shared that with someone, she told me that I had that the dream represented losing a part of my life, of myself...My mom.....That was an amazing insight..and something I will never forget...

But through this all, I amaze myself at my strength..But I just cant stop crying.. I am in tears now and they just dont seem to stop...and I have so many other MAJOR stressors in my life now as well..all at the same time..That I feel sometimes, that I dont know how I will get through this...But the most important thing to me now is getting my mother through this....I cant even sleep anymore...I just worry about her 24/7. I wrote her a note tonight also that I love her and she is the best mother and my best friend.....that it was ok to go..that we will all be ok....I dont want her hanging on for me and my family...suffering anymore...I wonder when will be the day...Tomorrow, the next day. next week..the week after..This is just awful.

Thank you all so much for your support..I usually read these posts around midnight when I get home and it is such a support for me..Thank you all...and please know that i am here for you all as well.....

Danny Boy, we are finally getting the pain under control...Just increasing the frequency of morphine.....and hospice is really helping...better than the hospital!!

Karen, you said nothing wrong. That was great advice...

Thank you all again
Much Love,
stephany