My son's dream is to be an Eagle Scout. My best friend, who died when he was 22, was an eagle scout.

My sons are 8 and 10. They are great kids who are being shit on by circumstances that they cannot control and I am not helping them. I just keep disappointing them.

I ask a lot of them everyday. They do the dishes and the laundry, they often have to stay alone at home waiting for me. They have given up soccer, piano lessons, having friends over to play (because Harry can't risk infection) or spend the night. I have to drag them around with me when I have to work because there is no one else to watch them.

I feel like I am sitting in a chair with handcuffs on while someone hits them and I can't do anything to help them.

We are going broke because neither of us can work much and when I can it is on the weekends only. Our businesses have gone down the toilet.

I know that I am not coping with this at all very well. I can hear everything that is being said but I just can't get it into my heart.

I think that I was fooling myself when I actually thought I could do this. I feel so damned helpless. I can't do anythng to make my family smile again.

My husband is so sick and kind of out of it most of the time, my kids are constantly disappointed, and I am an emotional disaster.

I am tired of crying and I a sure that all of this just sounds like I am whining.

Steph, I am glad to hear about the hospice and your mom.... almost 20 years ago when I was 17 the person in the world closest to me was very sick. She was my grandmother and she had been in a home for almost 4 years.

We lived in New Orleans at the time and I was 14 when my mom put me on a plane to go to Houston to pick grandma up and bring her back with us.

I got my license at 15 and I would go and pick up my grandma every week and bring her to my house or the doctor etc.

When I was 17, I dropped out of high school. I would spend all of my time between working and hanging out with grandma.

One night I got a call that she was in the hospital and we needed to come right away. She had had 2 major strokes 6 months before and had been in and out of a coma up to this point.

I get to the hospital and the doctor takes us into the family room and tells us that the sedentariness of her life over the last six months has lead to her bowel rupturing and she was dying of blood poisoning. The doctor left the room and my mother turned to me and asked what we should do.

I told her that we had to let her go. I knew it was right even though it hurt like hell.
She made it through to the next morning and finally passed.

I was fine up until the time that I tried to walk out of the room. I got to the door and then I fell to the floor and they had to come and pick me up.

I was only 17 and I was forever changed.

But I guess the reason I am telling you this is because I knew we had to let go. Over the years, the pain has lessened but it has never gone away. I still miss her a lot and even just the other day my mother and I were talking about how she would have loved my kids. It just never goes away. But there was a peacful feeling when we knew that she was no longer suffering and sometimes that is just the way things have to be.

Listen to me. First I am feeling sorry for myself and then I am imparting advice. I am sure you must think I am a lunatic for sure.

I guess I ought to take my own advice?? :-)

It is always easier to look at someone else's situation and give advice and always difficult to look at your own situation and heed the words.

Well, before I write an entire self-help book (or self destruction book) here I am going to go. Tell your mom that I sincerely hope that she finds peace and not to worry about you because you have lots of souls here to keep you lifted.

Take care.

Cindy