It's amazing how we all have the same feelings and are able to vent them here . I also get overwhelmed by all of this and sometimes go to sleep at night hoping his suffering has ended and I just find him dead in the morning.Do I feel guilty oh yes but realistically enough is enough and if he goes for an MRI and he"s not cancer free what else are they going to put him through. He choses not to take the antidepressants he was perscribed and his mood truly shows it . I drop hints but get nowhere because basically it's his life and doesn't take pain meds just the xylocane viscus again his choice. But this leaves me stuck watching his agony.I will be continuing to show none of this feeling to him That was one benifit of 21 yrs as a nurse I'm pretty good at it. Again thanks to all of you for allowing me to vent. If it gives anyone support who also has these feelings to know your not the only one I'm gladTake Care Diane