Hi Mandi.......When I was going through my surgeries, treatment and then a long long recovery I often thought that I was so glad this was happening to ME and not my husband because I wasn't sure I could be as strong and helpful as he was. I wasn't sure I could be the "perfect" caretaker, if there is such a thing. I've always thought that as bad as cancer is for the patient, it has to be 100 times worse for the caretaker. As a caretaker one must feel so helpless, so much out of control and yes, everything is left up to the healthy caretaker; it's a tough job. No, you are not an asshole for feeling as you do, you're human with a heavy load to carry. You have never done this before, its a new experience and a very difficult challenge. Someone you love deeply is hurting and there is nothing you can do but be supportive and pick up the slack were it's needed --- and there is plenty of that with a sick husband and two kids. This too shall pass. This life you're living now will not contiue on forever and your husband will get better. It just takes time. Healing and recovery can take a long time, but slowly, one day at a time you will begin to see improvement. Don't ever think this is a permanent situation because it isn't. It really isn't.

The American Cancer Society offers many many different support groups. I am not a joiner and I usually shy away from support groups but as I said in my post to Rosie, I also had a 13 year old son whom I felt needed someplace to vent, someplace that would give him a positive spin on the whole situation he was going through at home and most importantly he could see for himself that not all people died from cancer and that things would get better, back to his normal. So while my son was attending his Kids Konnect meeting my husband and I were in the other room attending a cancer support group ourselves. Mandi, it was one of the best experiences I had when dealing with my cancer. I would encourage you to find a support group to help you with some of the emotional things you're going through right now. It will be helpful for you to find a voice in all of this -- and you'll meet people who are feeling the exact same way you may be feeling right now. As much as the support group helped me, it helped my husband, the caretaker even more. I had some idea how difficult this whole cancer situation had been on him, but hearing him talk freely about his feelings in a safe place was good for both of us. You don't have to bare this burden alone, Mandi. And speaking from my experience with The American Cancer Society, you won't find a nicer group of people doing their best to make a difficult situation just a bit easier for all those involved. Additionally, they may offer services to help you out with day care or housekeeping. Here in Minneapolis The Am. Cancer Society will pay for housecleaning on a monthly basis. Every little bit helps.

Things will get better, Mandi. I know there were times during my treatment and recovery when even I didn't think I'd ever get better, but I did. Your husband will too. Keep posting! Sincerely, Donna