Mandi, Please don't be so hard on yourself. I know how you are feeling.......I really do. As a caregiver to my husband, this was all thrust upon us as of last August. Before that (oblivious to the cancer that was befalling him) - our lives were so different. I was a different person in retrospect. Much happier, more carefree. Now with each passing day - I am grateful that my husband is here with me and for the blessings we have...but I also worry so much about the future, and what it holds. This whole cancer thing and how it has rocked the boat is always on my mind...24/7. I have learned to deal with a lot of the aspects of it...but the fear and uncertainty is something that I have a hard time with. I have no children, but I do have a full-time job to manage and being a caretaker all the hours of the day and night. It's frustrating....but never, never would I consider my husband a "burden" in any way to me. It's just when I think back before August 2002 - how things were so much better and I yearn for those days to come back. Like you, I know in reality, life will never be the same and it's something we both have to deal with. Thanks for bringing up this topic - it seems quite a few of us needed to get this off our chest! Hang in there girl - you always have a "shoulder" here in this forum to cry on - or to just let loose and holler!