Mandi, you are NOT the monster! This disease is the monster. You are a devoted, loving, caring wife and mother. Your strength, support and courage will help your husband in ways you may not even realize. I have heard it's true that many cancer patients experience depression - and this is something to definitely discuss with the doctors. There is treatment and help for that. A family's world is turned upside down with this diagnosis - and there is so much to absorb with all the questions and answers, treatments, side-effects, follow-up tests, emotional aspect....and the never-ending sense of uncertainity about the future. It haunts us all to some degree or another. But you are showing great strength in handling this - although you may feel like a complete wreck - just keep being the great wife to your husband as you are. In time you'll see - things will get better.