I cant tell you all how much you mean to me !! your words can ease my mind and my heart ,,at times maybe only a little ..but ALWAYS . Things were better today. I know it isnt cancer until they say so,..but by the Dr reaction , i know it is a strong possibily and the fact of even havin anotherr biopsy is just overwhelming enough as well as more test ,,I have no Veins left ,it is painful to even go through all that .

Hubby did not apologize ( at least not in the traditional way ..actauly sayin sorry) He isnt so good at that . He did hoever try to go out of his way today to do all the "family things" I nag for. My daughter had to march in a parade today in Saratoga , for those of you who dont know the area ..it is a beautifl town ..with parks and shops all over and COLD STONE ICE CREAM ..hahaha Well as of last night ..I wasnt going to go ...I didnt want to be with the two people who were hurting me the most

Yet i was having a hard time with that as well as that is my daughter and I love her so much , but she needs to understand( teenager or not) That she cant do this to me right now, and unfortunaltley for her ..the world her cant revolve around her right now ( not that is ever really can with 5 of em )

So this Am Joe woke me and was like are you going with us..I was like I dont know .. he asked when I would know and i replied .If I am ready when you leave I will go. My two older boys 10-13 had no desire to go to this parade. But the little two .Gabbie 8 and Alex 6 ..well they were all for it , so they kept talking to me ..MOMMY remeber last year...... and i hoe this year...DOnt you like the parade mommy ... I like the fire truck and on and on .. SO i made the decison to go and as Joe was taking kayla to the school to catch the bus i got up and got ready and then we all went .

He then even stopped at Dunkin donuts to get me my iced coffee that I love.. I however was not beng forgiving at that time and wore my MP3 player the whole way there ( baout 45 min or more) then we got there and parked ..he bought the kids some hats and balloons and the got flags... We watched the parade ..he was talkative ( for him ) and was askin questions on what the Dr said and If i had talked to any of you about it and all. Then he took us to lunch ..My choice !!! although i didnt care where. We went to the park and the little ones rode the carousel. and then we went and got ice cream . and came home ...i was exhausted ,,we had walked alllllll over ..he was even willing to go into all the shops but i was tired. so we came home

I took a nap and he mowed the lawn and then had kids come wake me and ask me if I wanted to go to the beach for a while ( him going to the beach is like trying to pull teeth on somone who wont open their mouth.. lots and lots of coaxing !) We live about 5 min off the lake .SO we took kids and went to the beach and he told them maybe we will go tomorrow after his game.

So while maybe it was the fear, anger and alchol..still hard to handle ..but maybe just maybe he realized how important family things are..fuun family things..It cost us nothing for the beach ..his big thing is MONEY this and MONEy that .

I still wish he could have said sorry ... and maybe gave me a hug ,,although ..i wouldnt really even get close enough today . But I guess in his way this was his sorry . And my best friend of 20 + years said the same thing. AS wrong as he was ..he feels guilty ..yet he cant tell you that and he is trying to make up for it. She live 3 miles from me and that is where I went last night. She told me then Shar I am behind you and beside you always !!And if you have to have RAd and I need to rearrange my shcedule at work to do whatever you need I will.

I do have some GREAT friends and family and inlaws, they all want to help..right now not much they can do...But I want and need the supprot of my husband and mom ( she is another story hahaha),Anyhow , I can do this , I have my moments it seems hopless and like I dont want to ..But I can ..And you all really really are such a HUGE part of this for me ..honestly I love all of you as my true "friends" even though I havent laid eyes on you .AGAIN thanks for being there during the BAD times ..I cant wait To share the GOOD ones with you !! So now my Novel ( or what feels like one ) is done ..Gonna go rest ..been soooo tired and yuck latley ...THANKS to EVERY ONE OF YOU !!

Shar