I dunno if I have any tears left. I went to the new ENT today .. And he thinks the LUmp is def the jaw. I am having another fine slice ct on mon and a pet scan on tues. He says he is very concerned and that people in my case who have no risk factors ...seem to usually have a more aggressive form of the cancer.

He told me straight out that he was nervous and wanted to get to the bottom of this ASAP, and that I need to be followed very very extremely closley and he would have reccomeneded the Rad Tx. He said being seen in May then not again till July was unexceptable. He seems as though he def wants to biopsy this as well , just wants to run the test 1st and I was told I could even lose a part of the jaw during the biopsy ..

So the tears start to flow. Of course I am devasted and overwhelemed , called hubby to tell him as he wasnt with me . get Home he isnt home ..mind you I was an hour away and it took me alteast an hour and 1/2 cus of traffic. He was at neighbors havin a few..So glad he could be there for me when I got home. Dr feels as though good possibilty it is back and I good poss I may lose piece of my jaw , but his friends are more important.

Of course i was upset and didnt bite my tongue I complained that I really coulda used him here when I got home. And not after drinking and why does he even have to ,,it seems like everyday . So we arggue..I hear about how I am nothing , I dont work, 35 years old and havent made anyhting of myself, and going to DIE at 35 as a nothing and a nobody . depending on others ( meaning him ) to support me and he cant wait till it is over. If I dont like his drinking I can get the F*** out . ANd he cant wait till the cancer ends it all .

So at this point I am a mess ..just so you all know..I cant do it. I cant fight with him , my teenage daughter who feeds on this,,to get her own way and the cancer..I am strong but enough is enough.I cant mentally do it all..I was a basket case tonight. They are talking rad and all ..How the hell am I going to do all of this ?

I know take a breathe and see what the test say ..but I am just spent.