First things first. You do NOT have a "negative attitude". How would ANY person feel when receiving the news you did and facing what lies in your path? You are doing great - handling it as well as any human could. And I only wish I had faced my trials with "grace" I don't feel like I faced them with any grace at all - I faced them with alot of help from my friends and family. I leaned on them, talked it out, dealt with and am dealing with my mortality issues - but none of it with grace. I think you are expecting far too much of yourself.

We are here to support you - to understand the fear you feel and will do anything we can to help you.

I have often wondered how long would be long enough for me. If I lived to be 70 would I want to live to 90, etc, etc. I know whenever it is that I move on, it will be far too soon, but I feel I will leave those I love to be with those I have loved. Whenever the fear grips my gut, I try to remember how blessed I have been. I got to be 54 - lots don't. I have family and friends and many other blessings in my life. Likely when it is my time, I will have had time to say whatever I needed to, to those I love. Those who have a heart attack never get a chance to say goodbye.

A very good (but short) book I read is called "Chasing Daylight". It is the story of a CEO who is given a terminal diagnosis and how he goes about dealing with it. I found it uplighting and insightful. He never spent alot of time with self pity. Worth the read.

You and your husband are in my prayers, and sorry if I sound "preachy" - just tryng to help.

Donna