I don't post too much anymore - but boy, oh boy, did this thread ring bells for me! Frankly, I come and read occasionally but have too much stress to be much good to anyone. DH has not had a drink in 15 years.....now hooked on pain meds. To him, it's the same thing so I've spent the last year listening to he just wants to die, everything is awful, on and on. However, now (as of a couple weeks ago) we know the pain was really there and not just radiation damage. A root from a tooth (all pulled pre-tx) is thru the gums. So, now it's off the dentist to see if anything can be done. Fact remains that he's on pain meds and can't get off, is irrational, moody, cold and hot, etc., etc. Been thru a bunch of anti-dep stuff and nothing works. However, on physical exam last week there was no cancer and when we got to the car I blew my stack big time about how it's time to start thinking survivor not patient and get his head out of his a$$! (always the thoughtful spouse, right?) Guess my klonopin wasn't working real well . When I approached the doc back in April with tapering him off this crap I got a "90% of my patients are in the same boat" and that was it. I'm gonna leave off there and not go "full rant" but know you are not alone.....caregiving is tough, drives you nuts (got two grandkids at our house with FAS/fetal anticonvulsant syndrome as well), and leaves you worn out ragged. Reading Cookey's posts were the best thing I've ever done.....you're not alone in this. Take care of you or you can't take care of anyone else.