Heike - Glad to hear that today was a better day for you and your husband. During my son's Tx, I always grabbed eagerly at those moments and they helped me to keep going.
There were many times though, when I doubted my own sanity and ability to help my son getting through his treatment. He had been hospitalized for suicidal depression even before the discovery of his cancer. Seeing his suffering and how he just wanted to give up, I tried giving him all manner of reasons why he should keep fighting the cancer beast, even to how it would affect me (his mother) if I were to lose him. I couldn't bear the thought of losing him. Nothing worked until I mentioned his 5-year old daughter and how it would be devastating for her to lose her father. It was then that he started to fight and survive. Everyone is different. what works for one may not work for another. But as a caregiver, I think - "Whatever works, DO it!"
As for guilt over the past actions which may have caused his cancer - nothing can be done about the past. It's over and done with. So forget the apologies - what's important now is: "Where do we go from here?" I'm not a smoker so I cannot begin to know how difficult it is to quit but from what I've observed, for some it may be a lot harder to do than for others. There are ways to do it and they bear investigating. In life, for anything challenging, it is overwhelming when looking at the total picture from beginning to end, - but if we can just take the first step and keep going to the next step, then we've done something positive. It's ok to fail because we get many "do overs". "Just Start" is a lot easier to do that to contemplate the whole journey.
Being a caregiver is a tough job but to be able to help your husband, you have to make sure and take care of YOU and your physical and emotional health. Caring for your husband, your children and your job is a lot to handle. Lots of caregivers have had to talk to their doctors about managing the stress with meds. When relatives or friends ask "how can I help?" be sure and have a list ready to give them. Hope you continue to have many good days. Just start.
