Donna,

I think you are very hard on yourself. Of course, your mom is a wonderful person. You have made that clear in your previous posts and even if you hadn't, the fact that you are so compassionate and kind speaks volumes about her.

This is an awful cancer with no easy treatment path between the diagnosis and the cure. Between the treatments and the drugs, it's just not easy to feel or be yourself.

I am glad you are getting away and getting extra help. Keep asking for more and more help. It takes an amazing amount of energy to be a caregiver.

I find I get on edge easy...there's a lot to be edgey about. We're in the 6th week of treatment and I finally got smart enough (thanks to the relentless prodding of a neighbor) to get out and walk for an hour once a night.

And, it took me several weeks to not feel guilty about people wanting to help me and for me to accept the help.

Somehow, I felt like raising my family and taking care of my husband was my job and that if I couldn't do that, then I was failing. And, trying to stay on task with work...well, it's all just really hard and overwhelming when you are going through what you are with your mom.

Everyone is right, you have to take care of yourself.

And, you have to expect more of your kids. My kids are not pro-active and are asked to do very little in light of all that can be done, but what I do ask them to do, is now non-negotiable.

At first I cut them a lot of slack because their dad was sick, and then I started to get frustrated that they were not helpful...in fact, they were doing much to aggravate the household situation than to helping it.

Overall, I am not asking more of them than I would on a typical summer when I am working and they are home and playing all day...it's just that I think I messed up by easing up too much in the beginning.

And, with your mom, I do think the one battle to pick and win is to get her to stop smoking...no matter how ugly that gets.

Good luck,