Sallie,

I remember the days of being pumped full of meds, tired beyond belief, suffering from horrible side effects from the drugs and treatment, depressed and frustrated. I would remember sitting there and hearing the aweful things that would come out of my mouth and was horrified as I couldn't believe I was even saying them. Some of the worst things I said I don't even remember, Aly shared them with me in the times I was lucid. I would cry and tell her I was sorry and that it wasn't me...and it really wasn't.

It mortifies me now to see what she went through because of me and I show her how grateful I am for her strength now and appreciate her everyday. She's the strongest person I've ever met and I'm in awe of her.

It's so very hard to be a caregiver to those you love and are close to. It's hard to seperate the person going through treatment and recovery and the person you love and in my humble opinion they are not the same person. I always felt I was trapped inside a monster, almost imprisoned.

Hang in there sweet Sallie, have faith and hold onto hope my dear. Keep your chin up and vent here as much as possible. We do have an island paradise on these forums where many go and imagine themselves drinking, dancing and dipping their toes in the water (green fields and lilacs thread). Drop in, have a drink, you deserve it and getaway for a bit.

One of my favorite songs is by the Zac Brown Band called Toes, the chorus is amazing. "I got my toes in the water, ass in the sand, not a care in the world a cold beer in my hand life is good today...life is good today." Dip your toes girl.

Eric