I am not strong. I am weak. I am not a patient. I am a carer who is married to a patient. I love him dearly. I got punished for caring for him by losing a job I loved. They say everything happens for a reason. Maybe so. But he, like all patients, did not deserve oral cancer or any other type of cancer. I did not deserve to be treated as I was at my place of employment. I am a bit angry with the universe at the moment. Sorry for sounding so negative. I don't mean to. My husband is not a positive person, and when he is down, his energy takes over me. Not his fault, I let it...I think. I don't know if I could go through treatment as all patients have. That is why I am not strong. If I could take the cancer away from all of you, believe me, I would. You are all inspirational, but I struggle to pick up your inspiration. You are all my heros......

IMO Caregivers are stronger than us patients so don't sell yourself short. My wife always tells me that same thing that she couldn't go thru what I did and believe me, knowing her as I do, she would easily meet the challenge if she had to but I don't think I could be as good a Caregiver as she was to me. My wife saved my life and I'm sure Rod would have been lost without you so take pride in helping your husband in his time in need. Also keep in mind that the first year post Tx is always tough on everyone, both mentally and physically.

Jeanna - I'm sorry your angry - and it's hard to b around someone whose negative.... It can really suck the life ou of you... You have to train yourself to not let it affect you brightness can be just as contagious as the grumpies so share some joy with him it may change his outlook. Cook a favorite meal drag him for a walk do something you like together! He's 2 years out cause for celebration... And tell your company to stick it! Seriously you don't ave a labour board you can complain to?

Hi, Jeanna
let's see, it's summer, sunny and bright in the States, and in Melbourne it's chilly and cloudy. That can't be helping your state of mind any. But spring will be coming. I get stretches of days that are very hard to bare. I have found that meditation help me to calm my mind and not see life thought such a dark lense.
Maybe you could try a little experiment. Make a list of all you have done to help your husband - including the courage to care for him to the detriment of your job. I'm betting its a pretty long list. Now, ask yourself, which of those things were done by a strong person, and which by a weak person. When you find that a strong person did most (if not all) of them, look in the mirror and tell yourself you are strong. I think you are!

Jeanna, never sell yourself short. Caregivers are angels!!!! tey have an enormous amount of stress on them. They tend to patients who are in foul moods and forget to give them thanks. Many caregivers need anxiety meds themselves. How could a caregiver take care of everyone and have the weight of the world on their shoulders, all the while doing it with a smile on their face. They shield their patient and speak up for them when they need to. Caregivers are wonderful unselfish people. Be proud of who you are and dont ever think of yourself as weak!!!!

Thank you all....the cold weather does have a big effect, I'm a shocker for soaking up other peoples bad/negative energy - I've always been like that. Thats why I started the LOL club on FB...don't get too many laughs at home. As I said to WendyG, I sometimes wish I had a magic wand I could wave, to lift Rods spirits. When I say I'm weak, by that I mean that so often I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I think why me? which is really selfish...I have to keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason, and there are people way worse off than me, or Rod for that matter. I've just wanted to vent because it's like Groundhog Day here and I sometimes get tired of it too. Thank you all for listening, I love you all...xxx

Jeanna - Believe it! You are already a hero yourself! You have given of yourself unselfishly in a way that many are not strong enough, or can love enough, to do. I do believe everything happens for a reason. Often the reason is not known to us for a while, but when it does become known, usually we are able to see that the change that occurred in our lives was a good one. Trying to care for someone you love while at the same time trying to hold down a job with the stress of being torn in two different directions has got to be indescribably difficult. When my son was diagnosed with SCC I had just recently retired and I just don't know how I would have survived myself if I had had to manage a job in addition to being a CG. All those that do are my special heros! And about the job - it's ok to be angry at losing the job, at not being treated well - but it could just mean that there is a better job or something better for you to do just around the corner. Any time, a change occurs - even if it's a good change - there is usually stress but it doesn't have to last. Eckhardt Tolle says "What you resist, persists" and he also said "Accept with joy and enthusiasm". Now, I don't know about the "joy and enthusiasm" part, but I do know that if you can accept that something happened, it is easier to de-stress and think of what you can do about it. Accepting a situation doesn't mean you have to agree with it, it just means you know it's there, and then you can decide what to do about it. First of all, though, you need to think about YOU! And of what you need to make yourself feel better. (Christine is right about CG's sometimes needing anxiety meds, so think about that.) As a caregiver you need to have compassion for yourself, and if it involves having a good cry, so be it. You will feel better afterwards. Try to think of something you like to do just for you. Maybe lunch with a friend, eating chocolate (my personal favorite), or seeing a funny movie, etc. Maybe you and Rod could see a funny movie together? You really deserve a break, Jeanna to renew and replenish your own emotional store. If you cannot give to yourself, you will not be able to give to anyone else. So, do take care of You, and let us know how both you and Rod are doing.

Thanks Anne-Marie.

I see a psycologist & an psychiratrist, am on anti depressants, and anti anxiety. I have hardly eaten proper healthy nutritonal food since he has had his peg in and no teeth - only because he can smell the food cooking. I quite often say to him, lets watch a dvd or something funny, but he sleeps through most of the movie. The defence for court [re the job]had to have been in yesterday, I spoke with the solicitor today, they are going to trace it all up. Hard yakka keeping on top of everything. I believe I have an angel - or angels watching over me, because since I first posted this topic, Rod is completely different today, loving, polite, willing, and more high spirited. I can understand that when he is not high spirited, he is low, but my problem is allowing myself to be dragged down with him...my nature I guess. I am my mothers daughter, that's for sure. I have just spoken to Rod about time lines, and the closer he gets to 5 years, there is less chance for a recurrance. I told him that Christine B has had it 3 times in 3 years, but she is always inspitational and thinks of everyone else first, like you have just done, and all my OCF friends. I need to start supporting newcomers to this site more...that I feel is my job now. Rod just has to learn that there are others worse off than him, unfortunately, he hates speaking about it. That denial on it's own does my head in. Well, will keep asking all my angels to be there with & for me, and Rod, and all cancer survivors and patients. Love you, and everyone else on this site. xxxx PS - since being sacked for absenteeism, I am up for the fight, I was bullied, intimidated, harrased, victimised, you name it, and not a day goes by that I don't think about my old job, because I loved it so much. Some things I can't move on from at the moment, but I know I will someday. Eight months on from losing my job, and I still cry about it, have dreams & nightmares. Rod blamed himself for my demise, and for all that went on, thats why I'm fighting it. Hope other businesses learn from it, may I win or lose. Starting to rave now, but it's been really good to vent.......Jeanna <3<3<3

Jeanna - it's good to hear that sometimes Rod is "loving, polite, willing and more high spirited" so just hang on to thoughts of those times. And try to accept the other Rod that is sometimes very "down" because you know there is hiding in there, the more loving Rod and he will be back. At one point in my son's recovery, I asked him how come he was so happy and high spirited and positive when his friends or his little daughter were around and so depressed and down, sleeping all the time, or just not happy when it was just me that was with him. He told me that it took all his energy to be up and positive when his friends or his daughter were there and when they left he just didn't have any more energy and had to recoup. We all heal in different ways and with our own time line. My son hated to hear his friends say "it could be worse" when he was already at what he felt was the worse so I was careful and told others to avoid that expression. Rod should definitely not blame himself for your "demise" from the job. You made choices and decisions based on what you felt were the best and most loving ones for both of you. Things will get better. Hang in there.

Anne-Marie...you get me...thanks...xxxx

Strength, very interesting topic. If you notice the caregivers praising the patients and vice versa, both parties in awe and wondering how the other does it. Both are difficult to be sure.

What I've observed is that when it counts the strong are strong because they have to be, and they are strong when it counts...when it matters most. It doesn't mean they do not feel weak or emotional. Take bravery for instance, very similar. The brave do things even when filled with fear, not because they don't feel fear.

It also doesn't mean your weak if you need support or tools to help get you through a situation. It just means you are smart enough to use whatever means necessary to get through.

Keep that chin up girl and know you have people here for you if you need...whenever you need, and we understand how truly difficult what you are experiencing is.

Keep strong

Eric

Jeanna,
Are you getting out for a walk once or twice a day, or doing some other sort of activity? Exercise and light helps with your brain chemistry! If you can get your sweetie out with you, so much the better. Walking the dog in the morning with my husband is an important part of our day.

PS - if you tend toward SAD (seasonal affective disorder) like me, a full spectrum light might help.

Walking the dog is a Great idea, Maria! I just saw a special on how pets (dogs/cats) are helping veterans to heal, an organization that matches up Pets to Vets (P2V). If Rod is not a Veteran or you don't have a dog, you could get one!! (dog, not a Veteran) I hear that dogs are wonderful therapists, very non-judgmental, giving you unconditional love, and they are not likely to say "Well, it could be worse!". Having something else to think about can help the healing process. If you don't want a "forever" dog, you could be a foster parent to one from a local shelter until they get adopted, thereby saving them from the guillotine and you from depression.

Anne-Marie - I like your idea on fostering very much: it offers yet another way of connecting back with the world. Another possibilty would be helping out at a shelter or breed rescue group for a few hours a week. Helping out can involve playing with the animals - does not have to be strenuous. There are breed rescues and no-kill shelters for the particularly tender-hearted. Many of these groups are desperate for volunteers, and will make every effort to meet their needs.

@ Jeanna: You are my hero. You are also my friend and my sister. Because of you, and other kind and generous caregivers on the OCF forum, I have stayed afloat when I thought I'd drown for sure. You are one of the strongest women I know. You care so deeply, that it feels like weakness. It isn't. It is compassion. I think people who are afraid to care are the ones who are weak. They are the ones who can't visit someone in the hospital because they don't like hospitals. They are the "poofers" who disappear when someone they love gets sick. They are too weak to even stick around.

Eric is right, you don't have to go it alone or without anything to help you make it through the rough times. No sense in suffering unnecessarily. And, emotions and fear hit often after getting through the initial trauma. I remember when my grandmother took a serious fall when she was living with us. I was about 13 and home alone with her at the time. Her skin was like wet tissue paper--it bruised and tore so easily. She assured me she was fine and didn't want me to call an ambulance. So, I dressed the wounds, cleaned her up, and cleaned up the blood puddled on the carpet. It wasn't until I was finally able to reach my mother on the phone that I got emotional and near hysterical. My grandmother had no idea. She told my mom that I had been so calm and took care of everything just right. We know we need to keep it together to take care of the ones we love and we don't want to add to their suffering. But, we can't deny that what they are going through doesn't affect us deeply. It has to surface sometime in order for us to regain our balance and mental health.

Be kind to yourself. You are an amazing carer, a wonderful wife, and a dear friend.

Love,
Sandy
oxox
<3 <3 <3

Ooooh...tears in eyes....thank you all for your wonderful support. @ Sandy - you know where I am...

I have tried to take the dog out, he is pretty old, has bad arthritis in his hind legs, got across the road and had to re cross & come home again....poor wee thing - cant afford the vet at the moment

Don't go out much, have anxiety & panic attacks, even at the supermarket or chemist.

I think in all seriousness, I will bounce back after my court case against my ex emp. I struggle to deal with that and Rod. It was very demeaning for me to lose my job, so through my choice, I am taking it further as they did the wrong thing by me. Win or lose, I have made a promise to myself to regain my dignity, self confidence and self esteem, which they stripped me of when they terminated my employment.

Meantime, looking at getting some goldfish and a cockatiel. Can't replace my cat, and still have Patchie - can't afford another woofie mouth to feed at the moment!

Thanks for being there for me everyone, you're my saviours.....xoxoxo

Oh Jeanna...I am so sorry for all that you're dealing with. I have a suggestion for your doggy with the arthritis. Buy some Glucosomine (sp)pills. My dog just started having trouble getting up and some animal lover friends told me about these pills. I've been giving them to her and they are working! It takes a few weeks for it to build up in their system but I bet it will help your dog.

Good luck with your court case. It makes me so angry when people have no compassion. You wait....this will be a blessing in disguise. Sending you lots of hugs!

Love,

Shelley

Jeanna, you are such a darling!! I didn't have anyone taking care of me through all of this...they probably wouldn't be speaking to me now anyway!! LOL!! Just one thought that I have...I miss "me". The me I used to be and this new life..the "new normal". I am so thankful to still be here and for all of the incredibley awesome people that I have met because of this cancer. I do know from my friends how hard it is to watch someone you love go through this. But it's their love that gets us through it! You so have my heart!!

I need strength..I need it to get from one day to the next. I need strength to deal with all the issues my husband is facing. He has a feeding tube and since he cannot eat normally I feel horrible eating in front of him..so I don't, I go into another room. You know there are two kinds of people, those who eat to live (me) and those who live to eat (the husband) so this is really hard for him. Since his throat is raw from the treatments he doesn't really talk, so that is missing. I am doing my level headed best to be as strong as possible..but most days are really tough..and I know that may sound strange coming from "the caregiver", since what he is going through is probably the hardest thing he has ever had to deal with but my stress is hitting an all time high...and no one to really talk to. Thank you for the ability to vent.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caregiver to husband Rob. Head & Neck cancer, Stage 4 - Radiation & Chemotherapy

Hi Sallie...hang in there. Keep moving forward--baby steps--one foot in front of the other. You two are almost finished with treatment. It may still be rough for a month or so, since recovery doesn't happen immediately when treatment ends. But, it will get start getting better steadily after the two week mark. I suggest encouraging husband to try to swallow whatever liquid he can tolerate in order to exercise his swallowing mechanism. It will make it a quicker and easier transition from the feeding tube when he's healed.

I think there are people (patients and caregivers) here who will say that being a caregiver is, in some ways, harder than being the patient. While a patient's main focus is eliminating cancer and focusing on recovery, a caregiver has all his or her regular responsibilties, coordinating appointments, additional responsibilities that the patient isn't able to handle, and the obvious stress of actually taking care of the patient. Add into the mix being worried, feeling guilty about enjoying food or even life, and the helplessness of not being able to make it better--stressful, you betcha. Been there. Don't be too tough on yourself for feeling it and reacting. There is a good reason a caregiver is considered a co-survivor when a patient becomes a survivor. Caregivers are not only part of the cancer care team but they are part of the unit that is receiving treatment. Your wellbeing is a part of it.

Well, Sallie, you have a great group of people who will be more than happy to talk to you about what you are going through. You can post questions on the forum, or you can connect through personal messages. If you would like to actually, "talk", that's doable. You can send a message and I'd be happy to arrange a time with you to chat.

Sal I know exactly where you are. I've been there and I can tell you it does get better. I won't lie, there are tough days. Many of them worse luck but you do have the strength to get through them. Just take it one day, one step at a time. Deal with what you have to as you have to. It does help. Being a caregiver is a tough job. You need to have someone to talk to so come here as much as you need to and vent. I did. I kept a blog and vented there also. Without these guys here I would have never coped as well as I did. So please come here and vent as much as you need to because we all understand. We have all been where you are.

As for eating in front of your husband I do feel for you. I'm pretty fortunate in one way (and the only way) in that Steve isn't a big eater and never has been. Food is a thing he has to do so my eating in front of him was never an issue for him. But I do remember feeling bad about it at times. Most of the time I lived on tv dinners and often ate after he was asleep. They didn't look overly appetizing to steve but were still nutrionally sufficent and tasted ok enough for me to keep me going. You have to eat. If you don't eat you get sick and then where is your husband going to be. Steve needed me to be well and able to be there. If I got sick and didn't eat then how could I be there for him. I wish I could be more help here. Sorry to say I can't though.

If you need to cry then do it. I did and it helped. I would go elsewhere and I would cry my heart out. Stress relief. If you can go do something nice, just for you. Even if it's taking just 10 mins to sit in a quiet spot with a cup of tea or coffee and just breathe. I know for me as a care-giver I felt (and often still feel) like I was continually holding my breath. So take some time to breath. Remember Sal we are all here, anytime. We are all over the world so anytime you need some one to vent to or advise there is always someone here who can help. Keep us posted on how you are please and don't forget we are here for you. It's a tough job being a caregiver. The hardest job I've ever had.

Wendy xx

Hi Sandy,

Thank you..yeah it is tough, yesterday was a real hard one for me..I had no strength to do much of anything and I know that that played a part in me feeling so helpless, so beaten down. Oh I am so happy I found this forum..so much stuff to read that will help me get through, to help me understand. I will be back and often.

Hi WendyG ~

Thank you, I will be here to vent time and time again I am sure. I have spent quite sometime keeping it bottled up inside and I know that is not good. I do go to a gym and for about 30 to 45 minutes every other day..I may have to start using the punching bag to try and get out the anger that I am carrying.

It is a God send that I found this forum, I was looking for more information about my husbands cancer when I came across this. Everyone is so kind and helpful. I will be back ~

Sallie

Sal,
Deep breath...now release. You need to take care of you and yes please eat. I felt bad too but...I told Ron I have to eat to be strong and healthy to take care of him. Oh he would say some mean things to me when he couldn't eat and I did. "are you punishing me by eating?" "No, I am keeping up my stregnth and health to go to work everyday" He would get mad at me cuz I love to watch Hell's Kitchen and he would get mad when he saw food on TV. I can't stop that and I'm NOT stopping watching what I like on TV because it bothered him. We have other TV's to watch. Sounds mean huh? But really it's not. We need to do what we need to do to survive also even though we are not the ones with the cancer. He even yelled at the TV whenever they had stories of cancer patients or the cancer walks that he was sick and tired of hearing about cancer. Well sorry, it happens to other people too Ron, and these stories help with survival and hope to end these cancers! He would say mean stuff about me being "fat" even though he yells at me for saying that about myself, he says I'm not and he loves me just the way I am. So yep my head was spinning! So, I ate in front of him, I cooked for my kids whenever they came over because cooking is relaxing to me and I enjoy it so much. I always am cooking. I started to go out for a "me time" every Tuesday to BW3's for wing night to get out of the house and he would encourage me to go too. Or go out to dinner with my kids during the week so I didn't have to cook. It helps alot! I go do things. Now Ron is eating up a storm!! This second bout and surgery for some reason has made his swallowing much better for all the different textures and he is actually able to get down ground meat and chicken! I'm so excited!! And so is he. He even ate my bowtie italian pasta salad! He had to cut it up and add more dressing to it but he ate a whole darn bowl yesterday with the tomatoes in it too and cukes! It takes awhile but hang in there, it will get better! And please eat. I'm sure your husband does not want you to go without food.

Suez,

Thanks for the support..I am not a big t.v. watcher but we do watch The Big C and now instead of it just being a t.v. show it means so much more, it is true to life.
Just got back from food shopping, I eat really healthy which is not the way my husband eats normally, he would always say to me.."eew, what are you eating" but now he says it smells good. That's good cause that's the way he is going to eat once we get over this. He is far too young to not change the way he lives his life as it affects other people as well and not just him..(it's heaven to get this off my chest.

As we enter into the last 2 weeks of his treatment he has an infection and he will have that looked at today, hopefully it will not stall the treatment. Anyway, thank you again..take care.

Sallie

Can you maybe do a profile and add that signature part to it so we all may know a bit more about your husband and his treatments and dates maybe? No need to make it all medical sounding if you don't know everything in correct terms. Mine isn't exact but we all know pretty much what it means seeing we all have been thru it.
Thanks and Good luck with the checkup on that infection today.

Hi, Sal
just checking on you.
Maria

Ya Sal where'd you go? Hope all is well with you and Rob.
He sounds like my BF's lifestyle. Hope he is doing OK with that infection and it was nothing major, I know Ron had a ton of them when he went thru his Non Hodgkins bout because of the stents he had in his kidneys they had to be taken out and he was on IV antibiotics at home for 6 weeks! He was also going thru Chemo at the time also.

I am still here, today was his last treatments..but I have noticed the last few days his anger seems to be intensifying and I am just trying to stay out of the line of fire. It's as if I am walking on eggshells. He is very "short" with me..and I am quite the stubborn broad..so rather than start something I just walk away...and sit here in front of my computer in hope that he just falls asleep and I can have some peace for a bit.

Keep hanging in there, Sal. You are smart to let it go. If it gets to be too much, a gentle reminder that you are on his side usually helps.

The person who is closest to them does the most work and takes the most abuse. I had to repeat the words, "in sickness and in health" in my head for my own reminder...and he didn't get nearly as far into treatment as anyone here. Just remember that this part is temporary.

It might be rough for a couple more weeks. Then he'll start to feel better and better as time passes. Congratulations on being done with treatment. You can now enjoy not having to make the daily trips. The less time spent in medical offices, the closer you will feel you are getting to a normal life. For me, it was huge.

Good luck!

Sandy

Sal, congrats to you both on finishing the treatments! The next 2 or 3 weeks will still be difficult. Then your husband will slowly begin to feel more human. Sorry to hear he is being so miserable to you. Im sure it hurts your feelings so much after caring for him for weeks. Its not right. I can understand how horrible your husband feels and its pretty easy to be snappy when at the end of tx. Hang in there it will get better in a couple weeks.

Thanks Sandy..

Hi Christine,

Yeah it does hurt my feelings, I may be tough on the outside but inside I am not. I can almost understand the anger, it's like the anger you feel when someone you love dies..I just stay out of the way and hope the feeling of cringing when he is in the same room goes away soon.

Sallie - Do try to hang in there a little longer. Having just finished treatments is a big change, and any life change brings a lot of stress in itself, even if it is a good change like not having to make the daily trips any more. It takes time to make the transition between a former routine to a new one. Also the 2 or 3 weeks at the end of Tx are the worst for most and that is a big adjustment for both of you. Sometimes certain medications can cause changes in mood or behavior so this could be something to ask the doctor about (check the prescription bottle label). Remember - it Does get better!

Sallie,

I remember the days of being pumped full of meds, tired beyond belief, suffering from horrible side effects from the drugs and treatment, depressed and frustrated. I would remember sitting there and hearing the aweful things that would come out of my mouth and was horrified as I couldn't believe I was even saying them. Some of the worst things I said I don't even remember, Aly shared them with me in the times I was lucid. I would cry and tell her I was sorry and that it wasn't me...and it really wasn't.

It mortifies me now to see what she went through because of me and I show her how grateful I am for her strength now and appreciate her everyday. She's the strongest person I've ever met and I'm in awe of her.

It's so very hard to be a caregiver to those you love and are close to. It's hard to seperate the person going through treatment and recovery and the person you love and in my humble opinion they are not the same person. I always felt I was trapped inside a monster, almost imprisoned.

Hang in there sweet Sallie, have faith and hold onto hope my dear. Keep your chin up and vent here as much as possible. We do have an island paradise on these forums where many go and imagine themselves drinking, dancing and dipping their toes in the water (green fields and lilacs thread). Drop in, have a drink, you deserve it and getaway for a bit.

One of my favorite songs is by the Zac Brown Band called Toes, the chorus is amazing. "I got my toes in the water, ass in the sand, not a care in the world a cold beer in my hand life is good today...life is good today." Dip your toes girl.

Eric

Thank you Eric..your words are most comforting..especially right now. The anger that he has is just beginning to rise to the surface..he tells me "I am moody and don't want anyone around.." and he has suggested that I go and spend the day some place else because he wants time to himself..so I will do that, hopefully he will remember that I too have suffered.

Yes it is difficult to be a caregiver to someone you love, very difficult, especially without saying anything.
I am going to check out the island paradise ~ most definitely need one right now : )

I can relate to your husbands' desire to be alone. There were times that I wanted to be alone too just because it was too much work to try to be nice when I felt like I was about to crack into a hundred pieces.

Take the time today to do something that you'll enjoy! Enjoy the sunshine and the smell of the air - do something just for you! He's just trying to put himself back together right now and there are parts of recovery when he needs some time alone. It doesn't mean he doesn't love and appreciate you!

Take good care,

Eric is amazing...I was a complete monster as well and am suprised Korinne is still here with me as well. Why do we say that stuff? Who cares, just know like Eric said, it sure as hell aint the real one you love, just the drugs and side effects talking. Guess what, we gotta do it again and now everyone is prepared to tame that monster. Now if I can just find that dang vaporizer!

J still has serious anger issues about his situation. Everything following the 1st biopsy was unnecessary. He seems to be coming to terms with it slowly. He's still having Erbitux rashes which tend to keep it fresh in his mind. It's a different anger than when he was first diagnosed. But, he still needs lots of time by himself.

On weekends, he sometimes leaves mid-morning and doesn't come home until late in the evenings. After work sometimes, he doesn't come home until after midnight. He likes to go to the beach, go for a drive, etc. He just wants to be by himself. He started collecting sea glass. Anyone expecting to find sea glass on any beach in Ventura County will be greatly disappointed. It is all in glass containers in our house.

I think he felt cheated at first or that maybe he had squandered time. Now, he's just angry that he went through so much unnecessary pain, removal of healthy teeth, an incredible amount of stress, and the enduring Erbitux reaction for no purpose. He's not the same person he used to be a year ago.

J's situation is unusual. Regardless, going through oral cancer diagnosis, treatment and recovery is a life changing experience. There are mental and emotional adjustments that go along with the temporary and permanent physical changes. It's a process. But, at some point, a decision has to be made to either rise above it and move forward or remain mired in self-pity and anger.

Oh Sal, he sounds sooo much like Ron. Check out my postings fo what I went thru! He was sooo damn mean and things he said to me were hateful BUT I am sorry I didn't keep my mouth shut after awhile AND I took away the pain meds that caused his mean demeaner. Oxycotin. NO MORE! He was so mad at me. They gave him this crap in Pain Management! How stupid, he don't need that he does just fine with his Vicodin. Just cuz he took it more times a day than he would the time release Oxy...No Way no more! Now he's doing really good, he does tend to stay by himself a bit vegging with the TV with his programs. But he is very nice to me now. So yes it has to be meds. It will pass. I've cried many times in the shower...but I wouldn't let him see me cry, I did once and he made fun of me in one of his anger moments. I said NO MORE! Either I didn't say anything to him and ignored him OR I spouted mean stuff right back at him! Now he is a happy man once again!

Hi Suez..I have read through some of your posts and I can certainly commiserate with you. I think I may have said something in an earlier post that my husband has always been kind of standoffish even to me..which is beyond annoying. He fluctuates as far as his meanness level, either way I keep my distance, it's not worth it to me to get into any kind of argument with him. I stopped working to care for him and am looking for another job..that is going to be difficult..I need to be out and about and being productive. Hopefully this too shall pass...however not soon enough..

Yep I go to work every day 5 days a week! He used to even get mad at me for doing that and leaving him than he would say "Go to work you need to do that so you can take care of the house and don't miss any work on my account" Ya back and forth, mean, nice, mean, nice. And he is not a mean person at all, he is loving, compassionate and a very giving person. When I met him he never had a relationship that lasted more than 6 mo and his life was partying every day, he didn't have a job very long or any credit to his name. I tamed the tiger the family says. And all I did was not take any of his stupid crap and show him there is more to life than waking up and drinking. We've been together 14 yrs almost and it had it's moments. But I'd miss the goof even though I've kicked him out many times in the past. So back to his meaness, it was the drugs and the unknown of what life will be like and losing his ability to eat like he used to when he did eat and not just drink. Now he has gotten totally 100% so much better!! His attitude is great, his appetite is great, and he is very nice to me. I just did want I wanted to do, like I go usually 2 times or more a month out to eat with my kids,(and Ron has given me money to do it too when I was short cash!) I've gone to the Casino a couple times with my family, and he is all for me getting out of the house. He does have his moments, like yesterday he tried eating my beef barley veggie soup I made and he yelled at me for putting in carrots cuz he can't eat them...I just gave him a look like...ya riiight THAT would make it taste good without em. He just took them out and put them on another plate and continued eating the soup without another word... Ya just have to do your own thing Sal, like tough love. I just told myself "it's not my fault this has happened to him so I don't need to be punished for it" (is that bad?)You need you time or is it me time? lol whatever it is take it and enjoy (at first you may feel guilty)but it will start to feel wonderful when you can go I've even gone to BW3's on Tues Wing Night all by myself when he wouldn't go with his trach and NG in, it don't bother me at all and now if I want to go and nobody else can he will go with me!
Good Luck hang in there! It will get better

Hi
I too have written posts sharing problems with my husband's anger and change in his personality this past year since his reoccurance. I am happy to say he has slowly returned to a person I recognize as my husband. I contribute that to him weaning himself off of the depression medication he was on, finally getting a scan that shows no sign of cancer and starting to eat again. He was told that he had to have surgery to move his PEG to a new location in Dec. if he didn't have it removed. That was all he needed to hear, he started to eat and realized he could eat more things than he expected. I had also realized I needed to stop hounding him regarding his eating, status of med issues etc. He also spends a lot of time alone on his farm and comes back more relaxed. It does get better but I would not have believed that 6 months ago! Hang in there.

Oh ya eating too helps, they sleep soo much better with a full belly! And wake up in a much happier mood. Ron is really eating like crazy! He is eating anything he can get down and it's alot more meat this time around too which he is so happy about that he can finally eat some meat oh and fish also he finally got some Talapia down last week Friday!! I was so happy and so was he. But no steak...I wonder if now he will let me puree it maybe for him to get down. Hmmm will have to ask him.