I'm on the other side of this issue, sort of. I'm the one with the cancer. In my case my prognosis is actually pretty good. It's been 7 months since the end of my primary treatments (7 weeks of radiation, 3 chemo sessions) which nearly killed me. No more than 7 weeks ago I had the results of a limited neck dissection surgery which found no cancer at all in my neck, so for now, I'm in the clear and in "clinical remission".
You would think I would be ecstatic, doing cartwheels of joy. But I spent a large percentage of the last 7 months mentally preparing myself for a slow and painful death; I was unable to even hope for the "good" result I've had. Somewhere between the physical "trip" I've been through, possible PTSD, and the fact that during my trip I had to abandon my work in environmental consulting and move from North America to London England (where my wife has professional work), where I have few prospects for work and almost no friends, I'm having some real trouble.
It's as if a big "reset button" has been pressed in my mind. My interests are all gone. My sense of optimism is trashed. I struggle to get out of bed in the morning, literally.
Things with my wife are strained. To be fair, she's been through hell this year, and has done a LOT to try to ensure that we have an income and a home (which is how we've ended up in London). I am not complaining in that regard. But the reality is, we're having to re-approach our relationship from scratch, and we've both changed a lot. And my tendency for negativity and gloom are a big problem. Also, money is tight, living on one income in this expensive place.
About ten years ago I had a bout with depression, and ultimately the answer was to make a major change in my life, and get some exercise. I'm trying that, but it's hard to force the exercise.
I find London expensive, grubby, flat, unfriendly, unwieldily and low on opportunity. I used to be very handy, much more "capable" in general than I am now. I'm a hollow shell of my former self. It's as if most of my interests have been burned out of me by their triviality relative to looming death by cancer, and even now, have not returned or been replaced by new ones.
Give it time. Yes. This is about all I can do. If I had a job, and a few friends here, I would probably feel quite a bit better. I think that for me, the combination of coming out the back end of this "trip", combined with being in a strange foreign land (and not foreign in any particularly "good" ways) is a bad combination. Perhaps I'm still "healing" from my ordeal. After all, it's only been a handful of weeks since my unexpected "good" news.
Why can't I see this as an opportunity?
I hate feeling this way. It's miserable. Way more difficult than I would have imagined. And this while I'm basically "ok"! Sure, I have residual side effects, dry mouth, poor sleep, dodgy digestion.....but relative to so many of you on this site those are trivial. For all I know I might feel this way being "trapped" in a strange old English city without a job or friends, regardless of having had cancer (if I dare speak of it in the past tense).
It's pretty clear to me that if I'm going to be here, I need to find a way to get active and meet some people. And I am working on this. If I was still in Vancouver I think it would be much easier, but this place is just that much different and strange to put me at a strong disadvantage.
I'm not sure what point I have to make here, other than to tell my own story and express the fact that despite being in relatively good physical shape and having had about as good news as possible for a person with cancer, I'm still struggling to get my feet back under me. I hate feeling this way, and I feel guilty that I feel this way (which of course doesn't help).
I have support, but with that support comes pressure to do better. This is hard, but it's nothing like what I went through in May of this year. All odds suggest I'll make it through this......but the question is, what will I make it through *to*.
Only time will tell. And all I can do is move forward from where I am, right?
Right!
Onward through the fog!
-Seth
