Hi Colleen,
I also know exactly what you are going through. You have described my husband as well and it was so hard to see him so down. We had been married 28 years and I think I had seen him throw up once. He just never got sick.
I can remember taking showers and just sobbing in there. Then I would get out and by the time I had dried my hair my eyes weren't as puffy anymore and life went on.
There were days that I got no real communication from Kev, then other days he would try to be social. That's when I felt the worst for him because I knew how much he was hurting but he was trying to be strong for the kids and me. Most of the time he kept to himself though.
Meal time was the worst because we all felt guilty for being able to eat. It was just awful and some nights I could see it made him angry which of course made it worse.
I'm sorry for what you are going through, but many of us do understand and have been in your shoes. This site was a blessing to me and got me through the end. The 3-4 weeks after tx is finished is the hardest and that is actually when I went through a major depression type thing. I can't really explain it. It was like I had this job for several months. I was the driver, listener, caregiver and very needed, then when he started getting a little better I found that I was a little lost as to what to do with myself. I still had all the same home responsibilities, kids and my mom, who lives with us, but there was this hole where I had been so needed and focused on him. Just know if you feel that way, it's normal.
Hang in there and know we are here for you.
Kathy