Gary - you most certainly have not let everybody down. I remember so well that you were there when my son was in Tx with your compassionate help for us and for so many others. I was away for a while, too and came back recently, but when I see how well others are taking care of all the "newbies" that come along, I think maybe there should be an "alumni" for those of us who have "been there, done that". I went back to college and it certainly was challenging for me, too, but it kept me busy so I could get over the Big D (divorce). I'm not a cancer survivor, but there are many times when I have to struggle to keep from thinking about all the "what ifs" of my son's cancer, his depression and resulting financial problems. He sold practically all his stuff on eBay. I, too cannot remember when I've slept 8 hours straight and I've given up trying to do that. That's why I sometimes post on OCF in the wee hours of the morning. Rather than toss and turn, I figure I might as well see if anyone else is up or if I can offer a word of encouragement even if just to say, "yeah, I can't sleep either." But whenever a bright spot comes along, I really try to hang on to it and savor it for as long as possible before the next "funk" comes along (like the bright spot when my 10 yr old grand-daughter sang for me, a musical recitation of all 50 states!) Gary, I am glad that you are alive, and for your almost 8 years of being cancer free! It's good to hear from you and know that you are still around. It's like old home week just hearing from all those great OCF friends that were around when my son and I were in the throes of just making it to the next day, the next hour. Gary, if you are experiencing PTSD or depression, I hope you find something that will help and that both you and your wife can get to feeling in a better place. My daughter tells me "Life is Good". I'm thinking, she could be right. It could happen.