First let me say I feel like a heel for venting here. I have had the pleasure of meeting so many awesome fighters, heroes and good people I have come to love and admire so much here. You all amaze me and help me to strive to be a better person in general, let alone caregiver. Thank you.
I don't want to offend anyone. I think I have offended myself. I don't know what is wrong with me lately. I am so frustrated, angry, feeling selfish. I am disgusted with other people in my family-they don't help and it hurts. Boy, I have never been so let down in all my life. Looking back, I see that they always were selfish, but I never wanted to acknowledge that. I feel so bad for my girls, they are on the frontline everyday. In some ways, things have gotten better, but in other respects it has not....it's just chaos. My mom is doing better, sort of. I don't understand what is happening, and I don't really know this person she hass become. A few here have told me it's likely the medications, she's on oxycodone, neurontin, fentyl 25mg patch. She walks around carrying her lidocaine viscous, dabbing her tongue all day long--for some reason, this irritates me. I think because she won't acknowledge that it is more pain than she wants to admit. It's not thrush, the dental onc looked at her the other day and said no, just left over brachy and imrt issues.
My poor father is tired and keeping everythign to himself -
if I have no one to talk to, he certainly doesn't. I have a sister who doesn't live to far, a little over an hour away...you would think it was much further. I have to call her and spend a half hour crying/complaining to get her motivated to offer help. at times I have to be frank and tell her to help.
With the Christmas holiday quickly approaching I am falling deeper and deeper into a funk. I feel like someone is sitting on top of my head, squashing me down. I find myself crying a lot, bitching a lot, and just sitting in a chair dazed. I know, it's probably depression setting in...thing is, I don't have time for depression. I don't want to be depressed. What I would really like to be able to spend time with my beautiful young girls baking, decorating, shoppingm watching xmas movies....instead I find the house in upheaval--mom is up and feeling better?, but prior to doing any decorating she feels a need to clear out every flipping closet, drawer in the house. It's such upset right now it makes me sick-literally. Eddie is turning 50 on the 15th-same day as my mom's bd. I wanted to have a few couples over to celebrate, our home is gorgeous when it's decorated, there is no better place to be. I am not going to be able to pull this off at this time, unless I gain some control. Each time I speak to my mom she cries, gets this strange voice and starts carrying on. This is not my mother. It's scary.
I can't believe that I am writing all of this, I feel like a jerk. I do have to say that in doing so my chest doesn't feel so tight. I have been thinking about going to see my doctor, I get racing and pains...I know it's stress related. I don't have time to acknowledge it.
Well, I'm being paged.
I miss my life. I miss working, haven't worked since April. I think that may be a mistake, aside from finances mom has come to depend on me too much. I don't feel that I am doing much more than watching over her, and I know that gives her a peace of mind....but gosh, it's robbing mine.
Sorry for complaining. Please understand, I love my mom. She is one of my best friends. I think it's just other than dad giving me a break, my older daughter can't help too much more, mom has taken to picking on both kids and my older daughter has had it...I'm falling to pieces. Rambling yes....I have no time to collect my thoughts.
Have any of you felt this way? I feel so guilty. I am beginning to really dislike myself.
Thanks.