Hi Kelli,
my experience was very close to yours and very opposite in some ways. When I first noticed a problem in my throat I was convinced that it couldn't possibly be cancer because I hadn't smoked in over 30 years nor drank for over 9 years. I was convinced that it was a peritonsillar abcess (PTA). While I was surfing the web looking for information I ran across a personal site of an oral cancer survivor that graphically detailed his radical neck disection and entire chronology of the disease. It sent a chill down my spine (I later discovered that this was an ominous warning). Months later when I finally went to the ENT, and he informed me to "get my affairs in order", I flashed back on that site and immediately passed out in his office. I never considered the "why me" though? Since almost every one of my family members either had or died from cancer it was more like "why NOT me?".

I certainly don't believe that God punishes us on any level. We are quite capable of punishing ourselves. We have much more difficulty forgiving ourselves than God does.

I too am on a worship team at my church and had many praying for me for a very long time. My extended church family was a vital part of my healing and recovery, not only just spiritually but financially as well.

When I got the "official Dx", I already knew what to expect so I didn't dwell on it that much. I pretty much accepted that God had a perfect plan in all of this. This is not to say that I wasn't very proactive, seeking the best cures, doctors and institutions (I made myself very busy with all of the research -many decisions had to be made very quickly -another reason why I didn't really have the time to dwell on it). I truly believe that God wants us to do all that we can do first, then He does what He can do. Like others have mentioned, I prayed a lot when I was on the table. I also used it as an opportunity to be still also and listen for Gods voice in the middle of the chaos. I had much peace while I was on the table and I hope that Aztarheel reads this. I did have my fears about choking and such but it never happened. I figured out ways to mitigate those problems and constantly made little adjustments. They never had to interupt treatment. Many times I slept through the treatments. I was on the table probably close to 50 minutes with the prep time, positioning, etc. Actually in many ways being on the table was the most peaceful part of the whole deal. I listened to the same Gospel music CD every day and it became by battle cry and my comfort. I knew exactly where I was in treatment based on music music was playing. There were times that the music would really touch me deep and it would be a very emotional experience that day. I knew that God was my strength because I had NONE -especially towards the end of Tx.

Today I am back in heavy rotation on the music team. I am performing in a band again and life is better than ever. I am cancer free today.