At Mark's request I started a new thread off of Sweetie's old Despair thread, after I sort of "Hijacked" the thread and we got off on a new tangent.

The action thus far:

Post by me (JetAgeHobo)

Sweety, Sabrina, yep, I think maybe we tend to grieve for what we lost. Even though we may have survived the cancer and the battle, things never will be the same. Yep, I pretty much look ok now, some say even better now than before the cancer, but I still miss not feeling like there's impending doom, and miss just plain feeling GOOD!

I wonder if I"ll ever get used to the fact I can't move my arms like I used to, that my tongue is gonna pretty much always feel strange. And I wonder if this tightness I feel around my neck is EVER going to go away.

But, I also learned to cherish the time I have, to live life and grab onto it, not be content to let it pass me by.

In the spiritual, cosmic scheme of things, I wonder if I didn't get this for a reason. My pastor says it's because I didn't pray hard enough and it's satan's work, (oooooohhhhkkkkaaaayyy) and I took it as a message to quit being a bum and DO SOMETHING!!! Especially since it seems at this point the cancer is in remission and I'm about as healthy as I'm going to get at this stage.

I go in next week for another follow up PET/CT, this one is the one year from end of treatment for second go around (HUH?) and I'm having the usual pre-scan jitters. So I guess I'm getting a little philosophical this afternoon. But the next day I sign papers incorporating my own business, ever the optimist.

I guess I feel sometimes I'm the little ball in a game of cosmic pinball, and one of the flippers is broken.

Sorry for sort of hijacking the thread, but just sort of "spilled out"

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SCC Tongue, stage IV diagnosed Sept, 2002, 1st radical neck dissection left side in Sept, RAD/Chemo ended Nov 2002. Discovered spread to right side nodes March 2003, second radical neck dissection April, followed by more RAD/Chemo.

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Posts: 278 | From: Dongguan, China | Registered: Nov 2002 | IP: Logged

Then From Gary

Gary
Patient Advocate (300+ posts)
Member # 457

posted July 09, 2004 07:29 PM
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Hi Bob,
you should remind your pastor about Job -he prayed plenty and was a man of great integrity in his faith. He was still allowed to suffer. At least his story had a happy outcome. Pastors that say stuff like that drive me nuts (besides he sounds like one of Job's so called "friends". I, unfortunately, have met more than one pastor that was a lousy counselor. I really believe that some pastors shouldn't even talk to people one on one unless that have either professional training or a spiritual gift of counseling. Oh well - none of us are perfect.

I do believe, however, that disease is from Satan as well as the fear, helplessness and hopelessness. His favorite and oldest trick is to attack our minds and what better way to do that then with a life threatening illness. I heard a term today that was a wake up call "she was stricken with cancer". I never really thought of being "stricken" before.

I don't think that the reason is as important as what we do with it. We are given the opportunity as Christians to demonstrate our faith and the "fruits of the spirit" working in us under tremendous duress and many are watching (and listening).

My prayer group was encouraged by my outcome since so many they prayed for didn't survive. I am highly visible in my church being a bass player on the Wednesday worship team and Sunday programming team.

Another thing that churches often forget is that a major part of Jesus ministry on earth was healing the sick. That seems to be largely ignored in modern times.

This evening I have an earache and a sore throat (on the side opposite the cancer) so you can imagine where my "magic, magnifying mind" wants to go with it.

Thanks for sharing - it's sums up pretty well the space I'm in these days.

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Gary Allsebrook
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Dx 11/22/02, SCC, 6 x 3 cm tumor, right tonsil, Stage III/IV, T3N0M0
Tx 1/28/03 through 3/19/03, Cisplatin Chemo x2, IMRT x33(72Gy)

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Posts: 801 | From: San Francisco CA | Registered: Nov 2002 | IP: Logged

SCC Tongue, stage IV diagnosed Sept, 2002, 1st radical neck dissection left side in Sept, followed by RAD/Chemo. Discovered spread to right side nodes March 2003, second radical neck dissection April, followed by more RAD/Chemo.