My friends don't really call to do anything with me anymore, and I feel like I am begging if I call people. Maybe this is depression. My parents belong to a large church and even though I dont go (just not religious) they have had a lot of people calling them for updates on me and to wish me well which is great but I am SO isolated from people.

I just feel like I don't really have any true friends that care at all or even want to be around me. I try VERY hard to avoid the whole subject surrounding my illness because people get bored listening to your aches and pains and really, who cares about it anyway?

I guess I am venting because I dont know where else to go. Those of you on here who have husbands or wives or kids are so dang lucky. I never married and it wasnt for lack of trying to date or anything, I was just apparrently no ones cup of tea. I have no idea why and - yeah whatever it was never a big deal but being 40 and listening to everyone blab about how lucky they are to have their kids and spouses, I cant help but wonder why I have to do this alone, why I cant seem to build a decent base of friends, and why in the hell this had to happen to me in the first place. I am sick of making smart ass comments and trying to be funny and cavalier. I am also sick of day after day after day having to figure out how to cope when no one is there.
Not to mention the fact that never being much in the looks department to begin with, now I am gonna have these stupid scars and a stupid turkey wattle under my neck from the dissection that I have been told wont go away. Yeah. Thats just gonna add more fun to trying to be social when I look like a freak.

I guess I am in a bad bad place. Funny enough I woork in the healthcare field myself. I know too much about anti depressants to consider taking them, although I dont jusdge anyone that does, they arent for me. I dont know what is. Thanks for listening