Cathy makes some great points about what we learn from the experience of cancer. I thought it sounded so cliche when I was a "newbie", but now I see the depth of that statement. We DO learn and take from cancer IF WE CHOOSE TO. We can also make the choice to let it define us and let it steal more then our health. In my opinion, we all go through a stage where the cancer and the fear of the cancer overshadow any logical thoughts we might have, and we give into the fear. Then, when we realize that we just might survive this cancer, we are left with all the changes in our lives to deal with. That is when the REAL work begins! There is no preparation for this type of life event,such as we have for puberty, childbirth, etc.,...........so we have to muddle through it. Now that I'm far enough into recovery and in a frame of mind that allows me to look back and see myself more clearly, it amazes me how powerful the human mind is. When we are in the early stages of recovery we don't understand until much later just how strong we really WERE during those tough times. We don't give ourselves enough credit for what we endured.

Kerry, you are on a true roller coaster right now. The emotions you are feeling and the ones Stephen is feeling are so overwhelming that it makes you just want to crawl in bed and sleep for years and years. At one stage for me, just about the point of recovery your husband is in right now, I had a difficult time spending meaningful time with my girls. Anytime they seemed happy, it made me sad, because I was so fearful of dying and missing that with them, of leaving them to live without me. I pulled away from them and pushed my husband into a more hands on role. Three years later, that stage in recovery turned into a blessing for us, as now my husband will tell the world how much closer he is to his daughters because of the cancer experience. When our youngest, who is now 12, started her period about 6 months ago............she had no problems telling her father, lol. I love it.
In the short span of three and a half years, I went from worrying about living another year, never thinking past a week or so...............to feeling natural while making plans with my family for trips a year from now and talking to my 16 year old about which colleges we want to visit next year. But that all takes time and growth on our parts. Time is one of the most important words in cancer recovery, in particular a cancer that has such lasting effects as oral cancer. It's a tough lesson for impatient people such as myself, but at the same time, it has made me slow down and ENJOY the things that seemed small and and didn't warrant as much attention from me before I had my life threatened. The joy of stopping in the middle of something I'm doing to sit on the bottom step while my 2 year old grandaughter sings her ABC's is still new to me, leaving the dinner dishes on the table to go take a walk or bike ride with my 14 year old is still a new feeling for me..............all the new things in my "new" life. In my old life I would have said, "we'll do it later" and I would have kept walking down the stairs past my grandaughter and I would have cleaned all the dinner mess until my kitchen was shining........and it was to dark outside to take a bike ride. Boy, the things I missed in my old life!
I have eating issues that my family has had to incorporate into their lives to a point and I also wear my cancer on my face, something else that my husband and children have had to adjust to as have I. We go out to eat all the time now, but the first thing my husband and girls do (which always makes me grin) is they will check out the menu and give me suggestions on what I can probably eat. I continue my coaching at the school and have found a world for myself that knows my cancer story and is aware of why my bottom lip droops, understands my surgeries, etc. But this acceptance of myself didn't come overnight, it came in stages and I suspect there are more stages for me to go through. It's tougher on us oral cancer patients, in my opinion. It's impossible for me to "forget" about the cancer as I always physically feel the effects of it, and forever will. My girlfriend of 10 years had breast cancer 6 years ago. Mastectomy, chemo, all of it. She tells me that she goes weeks without thinking of her cancer. But she doesn't wear it on her face, it doesn't affect her eating or her speech, etc. We do have a tougher road.

Stephen will reach his stages in good time, and he'll get through them. Having young children is a bonus for him, they are like a natural healing power. You will also, if you approach this with the right frame of mind, come out of this cloud with a depth to your marriage that a "non-cancer" couple cannot possibly achieve. The connection I feel with my husband is something I'm blessed to have. I'm also aware that it wouldn't be as powerful if we hadn't shared this experience together.
Please keep us posted on how he's doing, and how you're doing. You are such a key player in his recovery and in how your children will incorporate cancer into their lives. Take care,
Minnie