Hi Kerry,
I am sorry to hear that things have been so rough for you and Stephen. In my opinion it's not unusual to feel the way you 8 months after treatment. When you were a caregiver you didn't have time between Stephen and the kids. I think there's some great advice in this post. I would strongly encourage you to get therapy for your own feelings as a good starting point. Have you tried calling Cancer Care? They have counselors you can talk to on the phone. Sometimes we just can't see what's right in front of us and a neutral third party can help us clarify what's really going on.

I remember Stephen had a lot of issues right after treatment with pain and not having any energy. He's come a long way since then but it also sounds like there are ongoing issues with depression. If he's not getting any help for it those feelings will intensify.

As a fellow caregiver I had to step away from what was happening with Jack and work on myself when it was starting to get away from me. We can't actually change another person, but we can look at the things that are preventing us from moving forward. I know you want you old life back but you also know you won't get it or you wouldn't have posted that. That's a good sign. I find that saying something out loud makes me feel like I can work on it...like when we were in active caregiving mode.

We can't keep our feelings bottled up inside, they don't go away, and they only end up hurting us more than if we'd dealt with them in the first place.

Once I got in a better mindset for myself, I found I was able to be more honest with Jack. The conversations changed from "you have, haven't, need to" to "I feel, want, need". You are the only one qualified to discuss what you are feeling because it's personal and the severity or scope are different for all of us. What some people find tolerable causes others extreme pain.

You and Stephen have a big common ground in your children whom you clearly both love. Maybe start there. Even if you hate where you live, you love the people you live there with. Start on what's happening inside your home and then work outwards to the rest of the neighborhood.

I hope that things get better for you soon and that there's something good still waiting for you in 2007...it's only January 15th so it could happen. Surprises are not always the bad, scarey ones - maybe there's something you haven't seen yet in that new place. Glad to hear from you.

Regards JoAnne