Barb, I completely understand. Part of my biggest fear when I got diagnosed was what kind of changes it would bring to relationships with relatives and friends. I envy all the patients on these message boards that have good support. For those of you that have it, you are surely blessed.

You see, in my case, my parents have stopped all communciation with me, and like you, it quite often crosses my mind "Well, maybe they see me half in the grave" So... I completely understand the whole whether or not to be SAD or MAD. To be honest, it's a mixture of both.

Rationally, it's hard to make sense out of behavior like that when it comes from people who previously said they love you. Speaking from experience here, it hurts to be treated like a non-human when you are already fighting like hell to simply stay alive.

I know our experiences aren't rare because there have been other recent postings here of relatives with some pretty inexcuseable behavior.

My own coping skills have toughened up. Since finishing radiation, chemo and surgery, I've made myself determined to enjoy and savor whatever I can and put the crap out of my mind.

When I think about it, I don't want ANYBODY no matter how they are related to me, to be near me if they aren't supportive. Anyone that causes me angst is detrimental to my survival. Perhaps it's the "mad" part of me, that makes me determined to survive this.

I don't even long for closure or resolving anything anymore. When I had a conversation with my spouse last night when we were cooling off on the patio, I kept remembering all the other odd history that occured for years before I got cancer. Looking at the bigger picture, it makes sense these people in my life wouldn't behave properly.

Anymore, I understand truly how short life can be. There is no possible way I'm going to spend it all bitter and questing for someone's love and support that is never going to be there for me. The only way for me to cope was to buck up move forward.

In the meantime, those that stick around and help you fight are more deserving of your attention. Although I will never forget those that have let me down in this journey, I'm still going to focus on the positive folks that led me through it.

Jen