Yeah, I've dealt with depression and a severe panic disorder for a couple decades now. It's been an interesting journey. I've had a good therapist for most of it, and varying levels of psychiatrists ... the one I have right now is decent. And very patient.

The best thing my therapist ever told me, in relation to suicidal thoughts, is that wishing I were dead wasn't the same as wishing to act upon it. Wanting to not be in pain wasn't the same as wanting to do something about it. I had been afraid to even discuss such feelings, for fear it'd be reported or something and I'd risk losing my kids ... but he helped me be okay with talking ... and that was a huge gift.

As for the hospital meds issue ... I'm not sure which doctor made the call, but somebody glanced at my chart without talking to me, decided I must have fallen because I was taking things that make you sedated / dizzy, and therefore declared I should no longer take such medications. They didn't talk to me to ask WHY the fall happened (which the nurses did), or if I'd had some of the related meds in recent days (I hadn't), or if the important one was something I'd taken regularly and long term (I do) ... so it was terrible advice. I did manage to convince one of my care nurses that I really did require my anxiety med regularly ... but when I could get her attention to get my meds, she wouldn't dispense it at the same time as the pain medication because of it maybe making me wobblier, so she kept postponing it, so my timing was ALL over the place. When seriously, the stuff I take for migraines is stronger than what they were giving me post-op for the hip. Sigh. The meds were NOT the issue. (Actually, besides my klutziness and distraction, I'd also been taking an antibiotic that can cause muscle pain and loose joints, so we think that contributed. As soon as I mentioned it in the ER, the nurses knew right away which one I was talking about. I'd already spoken to my family doctor because it was giving me trouble and we'd stopped my taking it, but the damage was done. But that didn't get to the notes the mystery doctor read, apparently.)

So ... self-advocacy. The funny thing was, I had the very meds I needed over in my purse, and if I'd wanted, I could have gotten them at any time ... but I felt it was more important for the nurses to be aware of what was in my system at any given point. That's probably the only thing that did keep me from completely panicking, because I had the option if I had to have it, so I waited and went through their system.

Tae kwon do, when I am well enough to tolerate it, is a sort of therapy for me. I'm ADD, and klutzy as all get out, but when I can manage to learn the forms, it can be nearly meditative. I can't just sit and meditate the way some people can, and the way my therapist wishes I could ... but I can focus on the movements and get in a sort of zen place that calms my brain when I master a form. I'm not strong, and I'm not great, but I do love it. I managed my higher belt ranks while finishing cancer treatments and then also when healing from a broken shoulder. (As I may have mentioned, I get points for spunk more than for actual ability to beat opponents.) I'm a second-dan black belt now, and hope to keep going. Chemo brain makes a lot of the memory work foggy for me, but it is still so much fun ... and I love cheering on my young friends in the studio, too. And they cheer me on, which is pretty cool. It was a lot easier when my husband was training, too, because he could help me study ... but maybe I can talk him back into it. Anyway, whatever hobby helps you chill, this is the time to enjoy it. smile (I took up sewing during chemo ... not big sewing, but sewing for my favorite 6" doll ... perfect for toting around ... the nurses had fun seeing what I was working on each week.)

Wow, that's a ramble!


Surgery 5/31/13
Tongue lesion, right side
SCC, HPV+, poorly differentiated
T1N0 based on biopsy and scan
Selective neck dissection 8/27/13, clear nodes
12/2/13 follow-up with concerns
12/3/13 biopsy, surgery, cancer returned
1/8/14 Port installed
PEG installed
Chemo and rads
2/14/14 halfway through carboplatin/taxotere and rads
March '14, Tx done, port out w/ complications, PEG out in June
2017: probable trigeminal neuralgia
Fall 2017: HBOT
Jan 18: oral surgery