Here I am, about to reply to all of your posts.

One at a time:

@KristenS

In your first post, you write that I shouldn't jump to conclusions and to wait to see what the biopsy results are. You also mention that that is easier said than done. Well, I have jumped ahead. And I've got myself self-diagnosed with cancer. My first reaction was to refuse treatment and kill myself. Now I am starting to read about all of your stories and I must say I feel embarrassed to some degree. To all of you, I take my hat off with humility. How dare I conclude I have cancer when I am no doctor nor god?! I am so sorry that my depression is such that I've been looking for a way out either actively or passively.

By now, Kristen, you know that I did go for the biopsy sooner, on the 24th instead of June 21st, as you and others suggested it be better for my anxiety to get the answer sooner so I'll know where I stand.

I am crying and I have a popsicle to tend to myself as my nan used to tend to me when I was a little kid and got sick.

Thank you for suggesting that I breathe, Kristen. And I'm sorry you had painful candida when you nursed. Mine isn't so painful now that I've stopped trying to rip it out with a tongue scraper. It has infiltrated my tongue, and I'm upset with my family dentist for seeing this and not sending me to a specialist sooner. He saw the progression as I was going for teeth cleaning every 4 months. He just took photographs. Idiot! I know what you mean by not being able to advocate for yourself..... I knew deep down that I should be sent to a specialist.

I wish I had a bigger family and trusted friends who could help me, but it's just me and my mom. My closest friend is in Montreal where I used to live. She is available by phone.

I have been sorely let down by friends ... it's been hard since I moved back home to create any meaningful relationships. Two close childhood friends have abandoned me. Neither invited me out when I came home, yet both were there when I made the invite and gladly ate my food or were happy to have me pick up the restaurant bill. Not one said come over, let's go for a walk with the dog, or come over for a cup of coffee even. Damn them, they are not my friends now. The first one and I are no longer speaking; the second one, I told her about this and it's been 3 weeks since and not a peep. Good riddance, I say. I need to expel all anger-producing agents from my life and concentrate on all for which I have gratitude. This board and you all, most certainly, being amongst them.

Kristen, you said: "You did NOT wish this on yourself. Maybe there were risk factors that could have been avoided, but nobody asks for cancer, and nobody deserves it. Please believe me. It's just one of the many random things that the universe throws at us, and we roll with it. And we're here to roll with you, if that's how things go down." Thank you thank you thank you! I feel so guilty and responsible, though as one doctor said: I know, when you're not feeling well, that it's hard to make the right choices. Truthfully, I have been unwell in my mind (depression) for too many years to count.

I need to learn to love myself and be gentler with myself. How though?

I do have a psychiatrist and now a therapist/social worker who I'll see for the third time tomorrow. I do feel raised in her eyes. And I know my psych has got my back. He helped me get into hospital to stay twice for a total of 6 weeks this winter, as I visualized taking my own life and no longer being able to see the sun rise or set and bringing such tragedy to my mother. It also felt like my soul just wanted to leave my body....

Sorry this is so depressing, but I HAVE stopped smoking and drinking. So, that's a plus.