Hi everyone - I wanted to let you know I have read all of your messages of support and care since Steves passing. They mean so much. It was a month last Wednesday that he left us. I have to say I have my ups and downs. The week after he passed I could hardly get out of bed. The few weeks after life started getting better. I have been meeting up with friends here and there and always enjoy their company. However, talking myself into going is a big task. After any interaction I feel drained and exhausted. My Dr said although I am on some mess for depression it is the body's way of dealing with the emotional toll of it all.
Life has changed so much in the last month. I moved back into my own house ( we had lived in Steves) and everything of his reverted to his parents. After his passing they have had little contact with me. Even boxing all of my remaining stuff and leaving it outside to be picked up. I have only a small idea why this is, but I think they feel I was not there for Steve enough at the end. The truth is after Steve was declared brain dead, and after everything we had been through I physically and mentally could not sit by his bedside and watch him being kept alive by machines while they waited days for family and friends to come say goodbye. It killed me to see him have seizures while his body was rejecting the life support. I don't think he would have wanted me to see that either. I will forever feel regretful that I was not that strong to be there 24/7, but I did and visited when I could. The truth is I was on my way to the hospital when they removed him and was not even there for him as I passed. I was given no warning they were even doing it that morning. To say the least a lot of hurt has gone down in the last month and I know Steve would be devastated by how I was treated. Shortly after re-diagnosis we had a talk about what would happen if something happened to him. We both predicted this, but I thought after all of what his mother and I went through together that would have changed.
Being a caregiver to Steve was my sole job for months and it is a struggle not to have that in my daily life. I miss him more then words can express and waking up everyday without him is a bullet to the chest. I know in time it will get better. The one month anniversary hit me very hard. I did not expect that. I guess that is grief it is unpredictable and non-forgiving. I know I will move on and it is what Steve would have wanted. Thank you again for the support. I will be stopping in from time to time to offer support and any advise to others. Danielle.
Below is a link to a few pictures of Steve and I during happier times. I hope it works, but I thought it would be nice for you all to have faces to our names.
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10204795106031519&l=4ef61d43bdhttps://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10205474921266475&l=543566a1c2
