Oh Bette! Please dont blame yourself! Reggie was very sick and he was in recovery mode which is not easy. You did a great job taking care of him with love and compassion. Your questions here were always trying to help him or to make things easier on him.

In time it will become easier. Until then it would help you to seek out a grief counselor to help. Give it a try, it cant hurt. It may help to talk with a professional therapist more than someone who has not been thru years of schooling, studying known subjects. You may also need some anxiety meds to help for a while. Its a terrible thing what you are going thru! I have a close friend who lost her husband suddenly, it has taken her 5 years to finally tell me she is happy again in her life. Sorry, but Im not a believer in psychics and mediums but everyone to their own ideas. I just see things as black and white while others may see it differently. I wish you can have some peace of mind and maybe that will help you to feel a tiny bit better.

(((HUGS)))

Christine
SCC 6/15/07 L chk & by L molar both Stag I, age44
2x cispltn-35 IMRT end 9/27/07
-65 lbs in 2 mo, no caregvr
Clear PET 1/08
4/4/08 recur L chk Stag I
surg 4/16/08 clr marg
215 HBO dives
3/09 teeth out, trismus
7/2/09 recur, Stg IV
8/24/09 trach, ND, mandiblctmy
3wks medicly inducd coma
2 mo xtended hospital stay, ICU & burn unit
PICC line IV antibx 8 mo
10/4/10, 2/14/11 reconst surg
OC 3x in 3 years
very happy to be alive smile