you guys are really something. thank you so much for such encouraging words. they really do help. my husband right now is on ativan and vicodin. the new trial they are starting him on will include more meds but we dont know what they will want him on. i also take ativan to help with my anxiety. the hardest part for me is watching his fear and pain while trying to smile and keep positive thoughts in his head so he wont just give up. i believe he would have along time ago if i let him go that way. the doctors and family/friends are really amazed at him and the fact that he is still here being as sick as he is. we dont do much anymore since he is very tired and has terrible muscle and joint stiffness in his arms and legs now. we spend as much time together as we can. thankfully our kids are all grown. they are 22, 24 and 25. i couldnt imagine taking care of little ones while being a caregiver to this extent. our 22 year old son is in afghanistan, due to come home in february. the only wish my husband has right now is to take him to a red wings game when he is home, no matter how sick he is. kind of like a make a wish for a child. i will make sure that he is able to do that. he also just payed off our 24 year old daughters car to make things easier for her and to do something for her that she will remember that he did just for her. our 25 year old daughter and 1 year old grandson live in arizona. i flew them both here in june and surprised him. we hadnt met our grandson yet and he wanted to meet him, he was very happy that day. i am focused on making him happy, keeping him positive and try and give him nothing to worry about. he has one job and that is to try and get better or to keep himself here as long as possible, my job is to take care of everything else, including health and finances. i try not to say why me or why him but somedays i just want to scream at God or anyone who is around at the time. life can be cruel sometimes and this isnt fair to anyone who suffers from cancer. i have a wonderful husband and i was blessed for many many years of my life to have him in it. i hope that all of you kick the shit out of this disease and i hope that the research they are doing at my husbands expense can benefit you or your loved ones in the future. i wish you all could meet him, he is truly one of a kind.