Billy...I have to add my little bit here. You are such a wonderful example of the blessing that this site is for all of us. You have been such a supporter for the rest of us, please let us prop you up a bit now.

This "new normal" that we all have to accept takes some getting used to. I try to find the blessing in each person who asks me, "How are you doing." Some KNOW and some are just passing the time, but I take them all as blessings, and I let them know that I appreciate their asking.

I am glad to see that you are smart enough to realize that you don't have to be a hero all the time, and smart enough also to realize that depression is a likely culprit now, and that it is very treatable. Who wouldn't be depressed with the things you and the rest of us have experienced??

Give thanks for the psychiatrist...and the antidepressants....and the friends here...and the gorgeous day....and a loving touch....and give one back that you thought you didn't have the energy for....and allow yourself to go through the process of feeling low and climbing back out of it.

This cancer causes more than its share of true grief, in my opinion. All cancers cause loss of some sort, but our losses seem so much more a part of who we are, and how we present ourselves to the world....and we have to fight to retain that "self" and not let this devilish disease take that away from us.

You have already said what you need to do...to try to focus on the blessings and not the losses....and I agree, to a point. Focus also on YOU...and who you ARE, because you are the same person you've always been. Find that person, and do something that that person would have done before this disease reared its head.

And....I don't know about other people...I think it is healthy to explore the feelings you are having now. If you don't, and if you feel that you have to be a hero for others......you will only bury those feelings....Go ahead and discuss them with your special ones.....Have a good cry....share here....and then maybe you can more easily focus on those things that you haven't lost.

At two years, I am still learning about what I've lost, and what I still have....and I'll tell you that I KNOW that I am blessed, and that I still sometimes break into tears at my loss without warning.

I hope that your appointment Wed. is the start of your feeling better and finding that Billy that is still there.

XO

Colleen--T-2N0M0 SCC dx'd 12/28/05...Hemi-maxillectomy, partial palatectomy, neck dissection 1/4/06....clear margins, neg. nodes....no radiation, no chemo....Cancer-free at 4 years!