Dear Billy

I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time. My view is that yes, it does get better but with oral cancer it never entirely goes away. I hope your doc can help with finding the right anti-depressant for you.

Keep posting. All these wonderful people are here for you and understand how you are feeling.

With lots of love from Helen

I just got home from work and starting reading these responses and now have tears in my eyes. I really appreciate each and every one of you taking the time to respond. I know this has been very difficult for everyone and this is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.

Like I said in my first post, I think I went back to work too soon but I had no choice. My body is run down and when I get tired my mind pretty much does what it wants to do... LOL

I am really looking forward to seeing the doc and counselor on Wednesday. I am hoping that they can help. I dont expect miracles to happen overnight but I sure hope something changes real soon.

Nelie, I think I am focusing too much on everything that is wrong and not enough on the things that are blessings. I am hoping there again that the counselor can maybe teach me a new way of thinking. I always seem to look at the negative instead of the positive.

Thanks again for everyone responding,
Billy

Billy...I have to add my little bit here. You are such a wonderful example of the blessing that this site is for all of us. You have been such a supporter for the rest of us, please let us prop you up a bit now.

This "new normal" that we all have to accept takes some getting used to. I try to find the blessing in each person who asks me, "How are you doing." Some KNOW and some are just passing the time, but I take them all as blessings, and I let them know that I appreciate their asking.

I am glad to see that you are smart enough to realize that you don't have to be a hero all the time, and smart enough also to realize that depression is a likely culprit now, and that it is very treatable. Who wouldn't be depressed with the things you and the rest of us have experienced??

Give thanks for the psychiatrist...and the antidepressants....and the friends here...and the gorgeous day....and a loving touch....and give one back that you thought you didn't have the energy for....and allow yourself to go through the process of feeling low and climbing back out of it.

This cancer causes more than its share of true grief, in my opinion. All cancers cause loss of some sort, but our losses seem so much more a part of who we are, and how we present ourselves to the world....and we have to fight to retain that "self" and not let this devilish disease take that away from us.

You have already said what you need to do...to try to focus on the blessings and not the losses....and I agree, to a point. Focus also on YOU...and who you ARE, because you are the same person you've always been. Find that person, and do something that that person would have done before this disease reared its head.

And....I don't know about other people...I think it is healthy to explore the feelings you are having now. If you don't, and if you feel that you have to be a hero for others......you will only bury those feelings....Go ahead and discuss them with your special ones.....Have a good cry....share here....and then maybe you can more easily focus on those things that you haven't lost.

At two years, I am still learning about what I've lost, and what I still have....and I'll tell you that I KNOW that I am blessed, and that I still sometimes break into tears at my loss without warning.

I hope that your appointment Wed. is the start of your feeling better and finding that Billy that is still there.

XO

Billy,
Don't lose sight of "The Big Picture" buddy. You are still here for your family, and you went back to work (You told me a long time ago you wanted to do that, even before you knew you should, could or had to). Keep counting those blessings. There's "Always something" and it's challenging, no doubt, but you can and WILL pull through. Remember, after what you've been through so far the rest is "minor disruptions".
Stay positive, we're all here for you,
Good luck tomorrow,
Steve

Hello Friend,
I hope that what everyone has said has helped you. You're strong, open and so honest with yourself, you'll be fine! Hope you are enjoying a restful night.
Love,
Donna

Hi Billy

Things will get better. The most important thing is to get to cancer free. So you just have to stay the course to get to there. Your body will heal and relearn. I had a full glossectomy neck dissection forearm flap etc and I'm ack to my old life- My speech is very hjarbled but its getting better. Eating is pretty much back too everything except for certain foods- (although I am a very very un-unusual case in that regard m drs. say). Everything will improve

Eyes on the prize. You DO NOT want to die from this awful disease if you don't have to. Fighting this is easier than succombing believe you me.

Many people living with terminal cancer would give sell soul to have a chance to just live - so when the going gets tough- think of them and how you have the opportunity to get through this and live life. That is how I got through - keeping that important fact in mind.

Yup Kate, Amen!!
But that doesn't negate the awful feelings of depression and the 'new normal' that has to be adapted to for you all!
Just know Bill we're all here when you feel down, post soon and tell us how you are

Brenda

Absolutely- Your feelings are 100 percent normal and understandable. Its a hellish journey! The alternative- (death) is what kept me from dwelling too long on how bad I felt though. Hang in there Billy - things will get better.

Well, I have to go see the psychiatrist and the counselor tomorrow. I am excited even though I know probably not much will happen in just one visit. I am hoping the psychiatrist will put me on something that will help. I know its trial and error but I am hoping for the best.

Misskate, I wanted you to know that I am free from the cancer. My doc told me awhile back that there were no need for further treatments at this time. I just had minor surgery last week and they took some samples while they were in there and sent them off for biopsy.

All of this stems from my neck disection. I had a lot done and it has overwhelmed me.

My wife has all of the confidence in these new docs Im going to see tomorrow. She, by far, is my biggest supporter and she is also my hero. I will post tomorrow to let everyone know how it went and thanks again for all the care that yall have shown me.

Billy

Billy,
You have strength beyond your own belief. I have read your ups and downs. I know you are eager to get back to "normal". Billy, you have a new normal that you have to get used to. Some of your normal you have not experienced yet. I understand that when someone puts a new stop sign on a street thet you have travelled 1000 times, might get you down but consider change a good thing.
You are stonger than you think and i have always believed that.
Please, continue having faith in yourself and not letting the new stop signs affect your positive attitude.

God Bless You Billy,

Mike