Hi Friends,

I know I have been doing my videos as of late, but several times I wanted to cry today and figured it would be easier to cry it out here while I type. I am bitterly sad at this point, I feel as though I am running out of crucial minutes and am having terrible nightmares. I feel left behind from the rest of society and even when I am positive and trying my best to make something of this I feel pulled 2 steps back. My favorite sirius radio show found out about my disease and did a really emotional segment about me on tuesday and it made me almost feel as if everyone knows something I dont.

I am running into, and seeing all of these people I never thought I would ever see again and I feel as if it is all a sign that I need to prepare for the worst. I already have a small small sore that has not healed in the last 7 or so days that they dont seem worried about but I am. I almost feel the docs dont wanna tell me that they did not get it all,or are too egotistical. I am just so sad right now and cant even explain the emotions I am having, first it was the last cig I threw down the toilet,felt better for a while and just woke up today angry with the world and it wont go away.

I am starting fights with people, I am at times hoping I just dont wake up because there is a better place than this or just overwhelmed with my own thoughts to the point of walking out of this house and just staying straight and seeing how far I can go. Even in the mornings I find myself just walking around the shopping center looking at people laughing, shopping, picking out pumpkins and there I amm, just staring, blank and confused asking where I went wrong. My fiancee' has escaped from all this mentally now and just goes through the motions, I just feel so alone again.

I mean, I have cancer right? I see more and more of the negative of all of this than the positive as of late. It may be the damn pills doing this to me since I started taking them again for my head and ear ache. Im sorry guys, please forgive me, I will try and do the videos more but today I really felt the whole " why am I doing this, this is stupid." " Nobody really cares but my mom and a few others, then when its over the show will go on and I will be that other person that well you know." I almost feel silly doing all of this, and literally stuck between a rock and a hard place. I almost feel like I have made it easy,or safe for people to ignore me and be even more distant. I think if I actually do pull this off and beat this I want to go really far away and start all over under a new alias. This shit takes your soul and burns it, I will stop now.

Sincerely,
Nathan